The Croods

Go see this movie.
No, seriously, go see it.
This was the one movie of Dreamwork's that made me think they might be going by the wayside again, but they have proven that thought WAY wrong.
There isn't anything in this movie that I thought was bad. There are one or two things I might've done differently, but on the whole it is just great.
I don't want to ruin any bit of it by explaining anything about it, just that it is incredibly funny, has fantastic and creative visuals, and has an animation style that doesn't look like pastel markers! There is dirt on those characters! DIRT!
Go see it! If you have children or are an animation fan, go see it! Don't believe the Rotten tomatoes rating for it, it should easily be in the eighties if not the seventies. (and parents taking your children; keep an open mind. The theatre we were in had none of the parents laughing, and I assume so because in their minds they were just watching "child silence fodder." This is significantly better than Brave! And more than likely going to be better than Monster University...)




Speaking of Monster University, there are previews to go over.
I'll shall speak of them in order of interest, those lower on the list are likely to be longer due to rants of hatred.

First up, Epic. Epic is the new one-off movie from Blue Sky. (Hopefully one-off. They do better with those. The series, not so much.) It is basically the Spiderwick Chronicles meets The Ant Bully, a teenage girl is shrunken down by magic and sees a fantastical new world filled with anthropomorphised plants. It looks interesting, to say the least, but it may get bogged down by its comedy relief slugs... But, as long as it keeps that to a minimum, I'll probably like it as much as Rio.

Next, Turbo. It is another DreamWorks movie. (I'm as shocked as you are. But, I guess with Madagascar over, they needed something for the second team to do.) It is basically about a snail who gains super speed, and wants to race in the Daytona 500. Okay, I see no real problems here. It isn't as fantastical as How to Train Your Dragon (which is getting a sequel. My fearfulness that they will ruin the series keeps me from squeeing), but it looks like it'll be decent at least. More power to DreamWorks.


Then there is the painful one... the one that may show the full decline of a giant... Monster University.
Before I begin, I feel compelled to quote something:
    "Sully and Mike are forced to work together on a project, either by sheer chance or their rivalry escalates to the point where the professors force it. They continually try to sabotage the other (and attempted hilarity ensues) until they run up close to the deadline, and have nothing. Thus they fake their entire project, and manage to get an A, building a grudging respect for each other. Oh, and Randal is the villain in there, because I really doubt Pixar is willing to give him any sympathy and make him a fallen villain in the original movie...
     "In the end, Sully is offered a job at Monsters Inc because of how mega-super-awesome he is, but says he can't accept unless Mike comes with him...
     "Mixed in there, Mike meets his love Celia, and Sully sabotages his date with her, and that's the point where Sully tries to make it up to Mike and become his friend."

That is from my Monster's Inc review 7 months ago. I continue to stand by it. The recent preview did nothing to change the problems I'm suspecting will be in that movie. In fact, there is actually a NEW problem: Overabundance of childish slapstick humor. It was present in Brave, it appears it shall be present here. It might be funny while you're there, but once you leave you'll have that empty feeling of having wasted over half an hour of your life watching people getting hit with things because it's funny.
Pixar, stop making sequels, and prequels. We see now that you got lucky with Toy Story. Cars 2 looked like a hiccup, but now it looks more like the cliff you careened off of.
My suggestion: do an animated romcom. You are good at the heartfelt stuff, and you are able to use comedy to supplement it, so do what you do best. Stop it with the bears and the cars and the monsters... It's starting to feel like you're DC trying to copy Marvel's success, only you're not copying Dreamworks, you're copying a bad era of Disney.

Apart from the three big animated films (all of which include snails or jokes about them. Strange world...) there is Smurfs 2. Yeah, not going to go see that, can already predict bad reviews and another review from The Blockbuster Buster (link). Though at least we get to have arguments again about how Blonde is supposedly "good" and brunet is "bad" because of Smurfette. I'm on the side of "Why da faq did her hair have to change?"


This has been Fixer Sue. Remember, go see The Croods!

Sonic Dash

Just take temple run, adds some skins, BAM! New Sonic game!


... Okay not really, but that is the general consensus for the game.

Sonic Dash is the "sequel" to Sonic Jump (which I reviewed recently) made by the same company, Hardlight studios. And it shows... because teh same problems I had with Sonic Jump are present here, but in a worse form.

First, the good:
People joke that it is like temple run, but the obstacles work differently... You are on rails, constantly moving at high speeds sure, and movements are done through swiping, but you do not have to swipe for the character to turn, he just does that automatically. The obstacles are more position based than timing; there are three lanes to run in, and one lane can be open while the other two are blocked or require you to jump or roll to avoid objects in the way. Some obstacles require you to jump or roll, while some will let you do either (later obstacles will require you do react in one way or you will fail). Hitting a solid object will stop Sonic, and cause a game over to occur (unless you purchase a certain item, but more on that later).
There is also some semi-solid obstacles in the form of enemies; hitting them while you have rings (collectible items gathered as you run) will allow you to continue, but will make you drop all your rings (regardless of whether you have 1 or 999). There are three obstacles like this: The crab, whom you can defeat by rolling or (if your timing is fantastic) landing on them after a jump, spikysnails which can only be defeated by rolling, and bombs which you can only avoid.
As a last mechanic, there is a dash meter to the bottom right. Collecting rings fills it up; when it is full, you get a double score multiplier, as well as the ability to use the dash, which allows you to run straight through obstacles at high speeds without worry.
All of these factors I have no problem with, and they are fun to play with. Sonic Dash is a good game. It is just the rest of it I find detestable...


As mentioned earlier, this game has the same problems as Sonic Jump, yet worse.

One of my main gripes about Sonic Jump was how the characters weren't well thought out, as they were almost no different from each other, and there was little reason for so many of them... Well, Sonic Dash has only 4 characters, Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Amy. When I saw Amy was in, I was pleased, as I have actually wanted her to have her own game for a while, and this is about as close as she can get to that... Now, the characters are locked, and can only be unlocked through Red Star Rings, which are earned through leveling up (I'll return to the problems of that in a minute). This is completely normal and understandable... However, EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER PLAYS THE SAME. No one is faster,  or slower, or jumps higher, stays in the air longer, rolls longer, or plows through enemies... They are all just skins. (A "skin" is a game term for a character's appearance. It can be anything from the character's actual skin to changing the model entirely, the core thing is that it is the same character/object, just with a different appearance.) Fewer characters, but no reason to unlock the characters at all unless you really want to play as them.

Now the leveling system... Sonic Jump did this pretty well, you completed missions and got stars to allow you to level up as you collected more. The levels were empty and mostly just granted free items when it wasn't being an unlocking barrier for new characters, but it wasn't painful. Sonic Dash on the other hand... The mission system is still in, but now it is 3 missions per level-up. Okay, it cuts down on the number of inane tasks one has to do... Unfortunately, the inane tasks chosen for the missions are MIND NUMBINGLY HARD.
I will use one mission as an example... There is a mission where you have to lose your rings 25 times. Okay, simple enough task. Oh, but it is far from simple... For you see, it is lose your rings 25 times in a single run. So it isn't like you can farm this, you actually have to plan in advance how you will collect rings and be hit soon after so that you can raise that number, in addition to dodging the instant-loss obstacles. I actually tried over 50 times to do this, and could not get over 18 for various reasons, including a ramping difficulty curve (again, return to it later). I ended up just using my Red Star Rings to by-pass it. Which brings me to the currency...

The currency is problem one of my biggest problems with this game. For starters, while you get red star rings for leveling up, you always only get 3. You only get 3 every level, while the cost to bypass a mission continually goes up. There is no other way to get red star rings. Well, apart form paying real life money that is...
... Hardlight, that was a terrible decision.
I mentioned everything in this order for a reason... The Characters are merely skins, the leveling system is quite bad, and the red star rings are quite difficult to obtain. Characters are bought with red star rings. The cheapest character, Amy, costs 30 red star rings. That'd be ten levels without spending a single red star ring on anything. For a skin. An aesthetic change.


No.
No, you do not do that.
You do not make a skin cost that much! You do not make something that hard to obtain that meaningless! Oh sure, it isn't hard to obtain if you pay for the rings... But that is 4 dollars for a skin, 7 dollars in the case of Knuckles (who is 60 RSR, which is 20 levels without spending any). But you want the purchase to be gratifying for the player, you want them to be like "Wow! This is so cool! I'm glad I paid for this!" not "It is exactly the same! Why did I have to pay for this?!"
It is awful business to make something that worthless cost that much. With the same amount of money, one could go to Team Fortress 2, purchase some new weapons, and see immediate gameplay change because of it. (True they also have cosmetic options like hats, but with hats you know what you're getting, which is a worthless item. Plus they can be gotten for free, given enough time, with zero effort, so TF2 wins out there.)
Not to mention, the power-up which allows you to continue after a collision is bought with Red Star rings. This makes Red Star Rings the most valuable item in the game, and it can only be obtained through painstaking work, or by paying for it. Screw that.


Also, for all those saying the game is like Temple run... In temple run you don't have to duck then immediately jump and duck again in the span of a second. What I'm talking about is Sonic Dash's hardest obstacle, which begins appearing after about the second island, which is about 2000 meters into the run. It is incredibly difficult, and best avoided with the dash... The timing is very precise in order to succeed in it, and failure to do so is a game over. Add that to the difficult missions, and you have a painful experience.


I absolutely hate these downside to the game... because if it was just a regular sonic game, without these additions, there would be no gripes to be had about it other than it being rather simple and flat.
But, the thing is... These problems can all be fixed with a very simple patch.

First, the currency; there is another currency besides the RSR, which is the regular rings. Give an option to trade in 500 or even 1000 rings for a RSR. Problem solved; I actually have no problem grinding rings for that, it is really the nigh-impossible missions and the real-money cost that make red star rings so infuriating. Adding another way to get the currency would fix it easy.
Second, give some variation to the characters so that they are not skins. For instance, make Tails hang out in the air for longer than the others. Basically make his airtime the length of the dash, and shorten his dash so he can only take out one enemy or roll under and obstacle. For Amy, you could give her a double jump, at the cost of a quarter the amount of dash time. Or for Knuckles you could give him the ability to break through all obstacles if the screen is tapped in time, at the cost of the dash meter (and the score multiplier) entirely. This would actually give different playstyles and interesting gameplay to the characters. The other three wouldn't have the same problems as Sonic when it comes to obstacles, but would have their own draw backs. This would solve the issue with the ramping difficulty, as well as make some of the missions easier.

I realize the second would require a lot more time and effort, but considering this is still a problem since Sonic Jump, it is necessary for Hardlight to hear it.
The first solution however should be in the game right now. I know it cuts into the amount of people paying for the red rings... However, I am now coining a new term: wallet rape. Taking people's money under false pretenses of them getting something useful in return. You don't want to be a Wallet Rapist, do you?


This has been Fixer Sue. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a small project I'm working on...

Memento

All. Of my hate...


Art does not excuse wasting people's time.

Here's a good rule of thumb about audiences, and their relation to characters: they tend to feel what the character is feeling. If they're happy, we're happy.
If they're sad, we're sad. The same can be said for negative emotions. If a sympathetic character is acting annoyed, the audience will be annoyed as well. You don't want the audience to be annoyed, so remove the annoyance, regardless of what you think it is suppose to do (be funny is the most common one... thank SpongeBob for making that main stream).
There is also something that should be avoided at all costs: characters feeling like they've wasted their time, and they actually have (I mean that sitting on their thumbs is equivalent to what they've accomplished). Because it works the same way. If characters waste their time they waste ours.
And Memento is extremely guilty of this. The entire movie turns out to be a waste of time, where our minds are taxed by an unreliable narrator and the guy who made the recent Batman movies. Making your audience think a little is alright, but don't make them put the scenes in the correct order. It is extremely taxing to try and make sense of the film, especially when a new twist is thrown out in every scene that is enough to make M Night Shyamalan say "Woah cool it with the twists!"

*sigh* a well-worded criticism of the Christopher Nolan films is that they require a flowchart to understand them. A flow chart would be very helpful for this movie...

But, what makes me hate this film more than the inane number of twists, waste of time it makes it self be perceived as, or the headache I garnered after watching it... Is the terrible story.
The film is about a man whose wife is dead and he wants revenge. However, he apparently got his revenge a year ago, but he doesn't remember it. Thus a dirty cop is having him kill people with the name John G, and getting money off them. The dirty cop tells the man this, but he doesn't want it to be true, so he decides to let himself forget it, and go after the cop. Except, all that is in the last scene, which is supposed to be the middle. It is at the end that we learn that our hero is a psychopath, who is being used by every person he meets. Oh and there's more, because we don't actually know his past because there are conflicted facts and stories. One of them is where his wife is raped and killed, and he is hunting for the man who got away. The other is that he got the man, and he killed his diabetic wife because she didn't understand the illness. All around, I regret watching it... Art movies, they are painful...


Oh and by the way, the character states quite often that he doesn't have amnesia, he just can't store new memories...
That is Anterograde Amnesia. The traditional amnesia that most people know is Retrograde, as in retroactive, past. He didn't forget his past (one interpretation, the one I prefer, otherwise the movie has been an entire waste of time), but he can't remember past the immediate present. That is still Amnesia. If you're going to be scientific, at least learn what types of Amnesia there actually are. I learned that in just my third week of introduction to psychology, a course required in a ton of ASU majors, so there is very little excuse for a movie trying to be scientific about the disorder not bothering to check if his disorder is actually classified as a type of amnesia.



This has been Fixer Sue, ranting about a movie people in their right mind don't want to watch.

Life is Beautiful

     Despite the similar title, this is not "It's a Wonderful Life." Many an internet hair has been pulled over remembering the name of the movie, but people correcting it as "It's a Wonderful Life."


     Think back to the 1999 Oscars... If you weren't a young child back then, do you recall the man who, upon winning the Oscar, jumped up form his chair and climbed on the one in front of him in elation? That was Roberto Benigni, who directed and starred in Life is Beautiful. He also wrote it. He only falls short of Tommy Wiseau by virtue of not being the producer as well.

    The story is about an Italian man in Italy who falls in love with a high-class woman, but she's engaged to be married to another man, and hilarious hi-jinks ensue where the man tries to woo her to his side. They then get married, have a little boy with a silly hat, and go to a camp where they play a strange game where the winner gets a tank! The military kind, not the containment unit kind!


...
Actually the first half of the movie is incredibly painful. It is like a bad Jerry Lewis or Adam Sandlar movie. It isn't romantic, it isn't even funny. It is a series of contrived coincidences that work in the main character's favor. The movie doesn't actually improve until they go to the concentration camp.

Oh yeah, the main character's Jewish. I forgot to mention it, because the movie didn't desire to make that apparent until the family's horse was graffitied with and anti-Semitic phrase. There was a sign earlier in the movie, when the main character's uncle is beat up and robbed by some thugs... Except that incident is promptly ignored, and we are instead made to assume the uncle is nuts.
Once the movie actually makes it clear that the man's Jewish, the movie begins improving...

The main character's goal in the second half of the movie is keeping his son innocent and safe by pretending the Internment camp is a game; convincing his son that all the terrifying things are lies trying to make him lose the game, and that hiding and not allowing himself to be seen will garner him the most points. This was significantly better than the first half, because the goal is understandable and noble... and the same man that was comparable to Adam Sandlar in the first half, actually becomes funny in the second. The second half is a good movie, but makes the movie tolerable thanks to the awful first half.

For improving it, I recommend cutting up the first half a lot. It runs for 40 minutes, but it could be reduced to 20, removing more of the idiotic scenes. (Case in point, he impersonates a school inspector in order to surprise his romantic interest. He makes an utter fool of himself, and risks execution for his stupidity.) Then leave the second half as-is; it is fine. I would recommend removing the first half entirely, but there are a couple good moments that require knowledge of the first half.

In short: If you can survive the first half, the second half is much better. It would be better if the first half was much shorter.

Sonic Jump

     Originally released in 2006 for T-Mobile, Sonic Jump has been remade for Android and iOS devices, and was released in October last year. Unlike most cow-clicker games you will find in the android and iOS market, this game does require some skill, some planning... and some fondness for the characters.

Here's the story of Sonic Jump:
    Eggman has Kidnapped tiny animals to use in his robots! Get to the top of the stage to free them!

... Okay, Sonic isn't exactly known for it's epic story lines in mobile games... the fact there was a story at all is a little surprising.

     There are 12 levels in each of the four zones. Numbers 6 and 12 in each zone are a fight with Eggman, where you must avoid his attacks (and him) until he loses his shield, and you can strike. In the other zones, your primary objective is to get to the top as fast as possible, avoiding hazards, like spikes, enemies, saws, and an angry dungeon master sending rocks down to try and kill the party.
     You play as Sonic, or as one of the unlockable characters, in this goal. You also have access to powerups, such as a speed boost, a net to catch you if you fall off the bottom of the screen (you'll die to this more often than the hazards), a shield that protects form one hit (not necessary if you're good enough), an ability that turns enemies into rings, a barrier that attracts rings (does not protect from damage), and a bomb (the ring time is more cost effective for getting rid of enemies. This might be useful if used against Eggman, but I haven't tried it. Probably doesn't work.)

It is a fairly simplistic game, but quite a bit of fun. But, there are a few problems...

First of all, there is the unlockable Characters. They don't play all that different.
     Tails, Blaze, and Amy are slower than Sonic, and don't really have any benefits like a higher jump (tails should have a fly ability, IE a triple jump, and Amy should be able to regular jump much higher considering her abilities).
     Knuckles is slightly faster than sonic, and has a higher double jump, making him a complete upgrade, at the cost of descending faster (actually makes him faster, since a quick descent means a sooner jump).
     Rouge and Silver are able to hover after their double jump, which one would think it would be useful for the disappearing platforms, but they do not hover long enough to have a considerable effect, and the hover actually makes them a lot slower, since they take longer to descend.
     I'd recommend going back and giving them unique abilities; like a triple jump for tails, a higher jump and double jump for Amy, nerf Knuckles so he is a bit slower but has the highest double jump, allow Rogue to fly to the top of the screen as long as the scree is tapped in rhythm, and make Silver automatically float towards the top without jumping (speed up with a double jump). They are planning on adding new characters, but I say make the current ones more interesting. I like knuckles alright, but I'd prefer that all the characters be good.

Second, the ring cost. Each power up has a ring cost, and the ability to upgrade them. That's perfectly normal and all, but they cost A LOT. The quickest zone with the most rings I found was the Green Hill Zone, levels 1-3. You can get 300 rings in about 3 minutes there... but the highest level for upgrades is 7500 rings. It would take 75 minutes to get the highest level upgrade, and there are 4 different upgrades, and 3 different levels. It actually comes out to 11,000 rings per item, which would be almost 2 hours of grinding rings per upgrade, 8 hours for all.
And that's just it, after completing all the levels, all that is left is to do is grind. After everything has been S ranked and all the red rings are gathered, it's just unlocking wallpapers for your iPhone/Pad and upgrading abilities. It is understandable to add longevity to the game, but the prices are quite ridiculous, not aided by the fact there are micro-transactions in place.


My best recommendation to people who want to get the game: Save your rings, don't purchase new items, don't unlock new characters (except for knuckles, get him), and only upgrade the items. You'll save yourself a lot of extra trouble. After they are fully upgraded you can go for 100% completion (It'll take you a while still though).


All in all, I still really like this game. I have fun with it, even if it does become a bit of a grind. It's only a buck, and considering it lasts 8 hours just off of grinding for 100% completion, so it is worth more than most console games today. I just hope that the team behind it give more diversity to the characters.


This has been Fixer Sue, currently working on getting more images for this site than "Wrenches! Wrenches everywhere!"

Character analysis: Discord

     Discord is one of the greatest villains in modern children's programming... And yet, he isn't evil.


     This is character analysis, where I look at pinnacles of character development, or characters who have not yet had their chance to shine.


     Discord first appeared in Season 2 of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, as the main villain of the first two episodes. He is played by John De Lancie, of Star Trek: The Next Generation fame. Discord is very much like De Lancie's Q from the aforementioned series, having god-like powers, but generally being a trickster.
     Discord isn't evil, he isn't even Neutral Evil; he is a Chaotic neutral monstrosity called a draconequus, which is a chaotic mix of parts from lions, goats, dragons, and horses.
     In the first episode of season 2, Discord is introduced as a great evil that ruled over Equestria, and all ponies, unicorn, earth, and pegasus, were suffering... But thanks to Princesses Luna and Celestia (there is no king or queen, but still claim the princess title. Just roll with it, it's a show based on little girls toys... the fact Discord exists is remarkable) and the Elements of Harmony (it's just a show, roll with the name) Discord is sealed away in a stone statue.
     Thanks to three young fillies fighting for very petty reasons near the statue, Discord breaks free. (There is also something about the Elements of harmony being linked to the main ponies rather than the princesses, but I won't go over the show's entire history here.) He immediately sets about making sure that his reign of chaos goes uninterrupted this time, showing his biggest character trait: being a manipulative bastard.
      Discord steals the elements of harmony, and begins playing a game with the main ponies... They assume he hid the elements in a nearby maze (he broke out there, so it would be the likely choice), and go there. He then takes away their horns and wings so they cannot cheat, and separates them in the labyrinth. He then goes to each of them one by one, turning their personalities on their heads, and making them all cruel, petty, disloyal, angry, and greedy... All except for Twilight Sparkle (the jokes has been made before newcomers. From the first moment her name was heard, the joke was made, and wasn't really that funny then). Through a bit of trickery and an odd rule inserted at the beginning of the game, Discord wins, and the episode ends with the ponies in a severe mindscrew.
      The next episode reveals to us that it was all for naught, as the elements weren't even in the labyrinth in the first place. Discord just took advantage of them, and used it to better set up for stopping them. You see, the reason the main six can use the elements is because they embody them... And Discord has made them the anti-thesis to their own elements, rendering them useless.
     Discord is a master planner; a normal villain would just hide them in the labyrinth and try to keep them from reaching the center... He didn't place them in the labyrinth, and instead used the opportunity to make his chances of succeeding even greater.
     After the mane six finally find the elements, they are worthless to them thanks to Discord, and the six of them part ways, Twilight feeling utterly defeated (her element is magic, but since the show name is magic=friendship, Twilight is actually friendship. Subtle, and expected to be brought up at some point, but also means she is now the anti-thesis to friendship).
     Discord then proceeds to gloat, and rightfully so, he had the most cunning plan in the entire world, massive props to him. It actually takes a deus ex machina for him to be defeated (it is slightly set up, but it comes out of no where) and sealed in stone once more.

     Now, while Discord's actions may seem villainous,  it is actually closer to attempting to survive. Imagine if you were in his position: You want to be free and do what you want, but you know that if six teens with attitude get powered up, you're going to be stuck in stone again for who knows how long (the first time it was over 1000 years. And the power rangers references start to pile up...). Surely you'd want to ensure those who would jail again you are incapable of doing so...
     That's just it. Discord isn't evil, he just wants to be free. That makes him Chaotic Neutral, not Chaotic Evil. Having a Chaotic Neutral villain is quite unusual for a kids show, and is a nice change. That plus he doesn't kill anyone. Not that he'd be allowed to, but the lack of threat to kill anyone makes him markedly different from other villains.



     Discord has actually reappeared in a recent episode, where Celestia has brought his statue to Ponyville for Fluttershy (the kind and timid one) to reform him. (Actually, it's more along the lines of getting him to not hurt people with his powers. Given that he made it rain chocolate (that joke's been made too) he isn't above positive changes.) The minute he is released he begins causing trouble again, despite having heard everything that went on (meaning he was also completely aware of the world when stuck in stone for over 1000 years... you'd undergo several alignment changes in that time). However, Fluttershy succeeds in befriending him, making him willing to restrict his powers, and use them for good. (Given that he is basically a deity, this will pretty much make Equestria even more of a heaven, at least when he isn't playing with the universe.)
     The ending for this episode caused a small controversy in the fandom for this show (normally called the brony fandom, at least when reffering to the older fans), in that his change to good seemed rushed and without explanation. There is some merit to it, as there is a bit of whiplash involved, but after just a bit of thought, the change makes absolute sense.
     Discord is not evil, he is chaotic neutral. (In the correct way. Not the killing random people on the street just because it's Tuesday kind of chaotic neutral.) Bringing him to your side just basically means offering him something he would desire, and would be willing to give up a little bit of unlimited power to keep.





Discord's villainous neutrality, cunning plans, and overall sense of humor make him one of the greatest modern Villains.

Titus (1999)

...

This movie... It is nigh-impossible to describe...
Have you ever had a moment where you saw something that had absolutely no explanation, and you had no other response other than a flat "What."?
That is this movie. This movie is pure "What."

It has good cinematography, set and costume design... I say this because I don't normally notice these things. With good reason, as those things are supposed to help make the world presented seem more real, and suspend our disbelief, therefore making us not notice them. In this case however, they serve to remind us that it is completely fake.

Allow me to explain... When you imagine a motorcycle, what period do you imagine? What about Nazi's, guns, or the pope-mobile? Compare that to the time period you imagine with Grand stone architecture, armored soldiers, and of swords and spears. They seem completely different from each other, do they not? Well, they are mixed together here, in an extremely jarring way. This is supposed to be medieval Rome, yet it mixes in future technology. Now, this can possibly work; there is an entire genre based on it called Steampunk. But here... It just doesn't make sense, and breaks our suspension of disbelief.

It doesn't really help that we are left wondering if this is a dream or not from the very beginning of the movie; since we begin in modern day with a boy playing very messily with his toys and food, and are then suddenly transported to Rome, where soldiers covered in blue mud come walking in like the Cybermen in such a fashion and rhythm that makes one expect them to start singing straight out of Les Mis. Then, there is absolutely no transition into the story proper.

Do you know the story of Total Recall? It's basically that a guy goes into a dream machine/matrix that is supposed to give him an adventure. There is a lot of fan speculation on whether or not it was real or simply a dream, as the movie doesn't really say, and there are clues that give credence to both sides.
Titus is like that, except we are wondering where the dream starts and the story begins, or if the dream ends at all. If it is all a dream, then the person who is dreaming the thing up must be having a serious fever or ate a couple mushrooms before going to bed, because this movie is seriously screwy...

The story itself is good; it's Shakespeare, of course it's good. If this was a radio-play it probably would work very well. But, because this is a movie, the visuals must aid in telling the story. And it isn't a good sign when sequences look like they came from another movie entirely. some sequences look like normal shakespeare, some of them look like some weird 80's sci-fi, and some of them look like Las Vegas. It... it doesn't work.

And then there is the soundtrack... it is Jazz. In a movie about Rome.
Look, I know the christian gospel music in Hercules was a little odd, but it makes sense as a sort of pun. (plus the music in Hercules is still awesome.) But, Jazz, in ancient Rome.
To illustrate, listen to this:

Imagine that in True Grit. Completely out of place and wrong right? Same thing with Jazz in Rome.
In addition, there is a problem with our disc of the movie (or possibly with the movie in general, we didn't see this in theatres so it is possible this was intentional) the music is incredibly loud, while the dialogue is rather quiet. Oh, and did I mention the dialogue is word-for-word Shakespeare? Which means it is incredibly hard to understand, in addition to being hard to hear (at least on our end).


So, Jazz Music in Rome, the Pope-mobile and spears, Shakespearean dialogue, and utter confusion as to whether or not everything is a dream. Yeah, the 63% on rotten tomatoes makes sense, though I'd go lower.

This movie is almost impossible to suspend disbelief for... Every time I try to relax and just let the movie happen, it brings forward yet another problem!
Suspension of disbelief is not something to be tampered with! If the audience doesn't believe you, they aren't going to keep paying attention!


This movie would be infinitely better if they just tried to make Titus Andronicus. Without the "SHYMBOLIZM!!!!!111!!111!!" or the anachronistic stew. A recording of a stage production would have been better.


If you just want to see an anachronistic art movie, this is fine... But if you want to see Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, I recommend finding a stage production, or see if they have a master piece theatre production of it. Just, don't watch this one.