A Christmas Carol Cubed

     It's Christmas Eve... Time to review three different renditions of A Christmas Carol!
     First, we have a more faithful adaption, from Disney! It features Scrooge Mcduck, and Mickey Mouse as Bob Cratchet.
     Second, we have Mr Magoo, with his musical/stage play adaptation!
     Third, we have Scrooged, the modern remake of A Christmas Carol.

Three specials to cover, and not much time to do it. So let's get to it!

I won't bother summarizing the story; you could probably recite it by now. so, I'll instead compare and contrast the stories.


     To start, we'll go over the Mickey's Christmas Carol... Should've been called Disney's Christmas Carol because Mickey is barely featured. The entire thing is about 22 minutes at most, and acts as a sort of abridged version. It touches on all the same point as the others, and is pretty much just like any other Christmas carol... just with Disney Characters. Though I'll admit there is a certain joy in recognizing a lot of the characters, and it serves as a good child's introduction to the story...
     But, it actually pales in comparison to the depth of the next...


     You probably don't remember or know about Mr Magoo. I'll admit, I didn't really know about him either when I first saw this.
     I first saw it on cartoon network. I was up late with the TV on, playing games on my computer... Barely paying attention to the movie... Until the Ghost of Christmas present anyway. After that point it had my attention. I haven't actually seen it air on Cartoon network since...
     Lucky for me, I found it on Netflix (hooray for Netflix putting a lot of random stuff on instant!)
     Mr Magoo is an old legally-blind man, whose series is about slapstick comedy relating to him being unable to see. It wasn't very popular (just look at how many people remember it today), but survived long enough to create this special, which turned out to be the first animated rendition of a Christmas Carol.
     The special actually takes place in the form of a stage play. Mr Magoo is playing Scrooge in a musical version of the story, and the special itself is almost word for word faithful to the original story (abridged of course, but still hitting on all the right points.)
     It is after Jacob Marley's visit that the special has a massive difference from all other versions, but one that I actually understand and can explain. You see, the first ghost to visit is actually the ghost of Christmas Present. He takes Scrooge to Bob Cratchet's house to show him what his life is like (along with a song), and then the curtains on the stage close, and we go to commercial.
     Now, I may be just the guy who controls the lights, but I have seen enough plays to know why certain things change in a play compared to movies... and apparently the makers of the special did too. The reason why the ghost of Christmas present came first is because of transitions and set pieces. Bob Cratchet's house uses a similar backdrop to Scrooge's, while Christmas past has a different one. If they had past first, they'd have to remove the first group of set pieces, bring in past's set, and then when that's done, they have to bring all the sets back in for present... all this also means another point where the curtain must close for the transition. Christmas Present goes first to reduce the number of necessary transitions. Only after present is done do the curtains close to prepare for past and future.
     While most would find the change confusing, I seriously applaud the writers for that. I wouldn't have noticed normally, since it is a TV show (and they make breaks from reality at a couple points), but they went the extra step to make it more believable as a stage show.
     Beyond that change, there isn't that much different apart from the songs and highbrow language. I'd actually say this is my favorite version of a Christmas Carol.
(Then again, that is helped by the voice of the ghost of Christmas past. I have no idea what on earth they did for her voice but damn if it doesn't sound pleasant and comforting.)


     Finally, there is Scrooged... It's a modern-day comedy featuring Bill Murray as Frank Cross (Scrooge) (Bill Murray's brother, John Murray, actually plays James Cross, Frank Cross's brother, as a bit of trivia for you). Frank is the head executive of a TV station, and is working on producing the first televised live performance of a Christmas Carol. From there, the Scrooge story takes place as normal, with added comedy, and some romance. There isn't much to add, except that it can be absolutely terrifying at times, and has some scenes that don't really add to the story and rather just make the audience feel bad... But it is quite enjoyable, and Bill Murray is fun as always.


All three of them give different ways of doing the ol' story... I personally think Magoo's was the best of the bunch, being most faithful while it's changes also add to the special itself. Disney's adaption is a lot better for children than Magoo's though, and Scrooged is better for adults. All three are still good and fun though.


This has been Fixer Sue. Thank you for joining me all throughout December for the Advent Calendar, going through many different Christmas specials and movies... Tomorrow, I shall explain what conclusions can be brought from these different specials.

White Christmas

     ...This is a good movie, but it doesn't really appeal to me. I can appreciate the music and the dancing, but the plot, the comedy... Time has not been kind. A lot of the plot is now quite banal and clichéd, and the movie feels way too long. It comes in at 2 hours when it feels like it should only be 80 minutes.

     The plot of the movie... to sum it up, a man with a good voice is taken advantage of, he meets a girl, they put on a show, there is a misunderstanding but it is reconciled, and everyone lives happily engaged ever after. Sounds like a large number of romantic comedies. Doesn't mean it is a good plot, but a lot of people use it.
     But, a poor plot can be saved by good characters right? I mean just look at Yes Man, cliché and overdone plot but Jim Carrey and Zooey Deschanel make it very enjoyable with their performances and characters. And hey, Bing Crosby is playing one of the characters!

     ... I don't really like any of the characters... The friend of Crosby's character is unsympathetic for how much he uses Bing, and he isn't very bright or funny... The love interests are pretty stiff and dull, they barely have personality...
     How to best describe the love interests... They basically run off of reactions to events. They don't really do much themselves, and if they do it comes of no consequence. They don't make many choices, and they tend to stay in one emotion throughout the movie. True, the love interest in It's a Wonderful Life didn't have much character either, but at least she had some humor and fun, and was memorable. Bing Crosby's character is just pretty much a stick in the mud with a soft spot for his army general.

     Actually, I haven't touched on that yet... Crosby and his friend were in the army, and the show they are putting on is for their general. you know what would've made for a more interesting and less banal plot? Setting it all in December 1942. Keep them in the war, and have it all take place overseas. The girls are the weakest part, so remove them altogether, and replace them with some other more interesting and colorful male characters. Introduce some actual drama, rather than just romance.

Wait... I'm crossing the wires here... I'm thinking about how to improve it if it was made back then, but imagining it as if it was done today...
    Well, point blank, don't try to update it. If it must be done again, remake it from the ground up. rewrite the plot, the characters... Give some reason as to why we should care about the general, the girls... or hell, even the main Characters. We aren't going to like them just because they are the protagonists and sing good. Tell us why we should care!


This has been Fixer Sue... Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. This is a fairly negative review, so I think I'll do something that I give my whole hearted approval for.

Unaccompanied Minors

     Home Alone destroyed good Christmas entertainment. It's slapstick humor and relation to Christmas got all the movie companies to believe that slap-stick humor was perfect for Christmas, as was juvenile delinquency. It birthed a whole genre of films (as well as sequels to itself, which are pretty bad) which created this film, Unaccompanied Minors.
     This is the kind of film you put on for your kids when they beg to watch a Christmas movie but don't want to watch Rankin Bass. This movie contains extremely base humor, with a weak attempt at overall plot and heart. The best I can say is that it has a bit of actual heart when the twist is revealed, but other than that it feels forced.
     The plot is about Children traveling alone in airplanes, and how a bunch of them get caught in one airport because of a storm. The main plot is that this group of kids tries to have some fun, but the big mean airport owner doesn't want them to because he's the Grinch! and the fact the kids are all delinquents, breaking several laws and rules, mostly put in place for their safety and the safety of others.
      Oh, I should note, the bad guy is played by Lewis Black, noted comedian. He is not funny in the slightest in this movie. He is basically like Aasif Mandvi in the Last Airbender movie; he was chosen because he seemed like he fit the part, but no one put any thought into it. The villain shouldn't have been such a hammy, over-the-top actor, it should have just been a normal guy with no real star power, who isn't too ugly.

    I'm not going to even bother summarizing what happens in the movie... You can pretty much predict the entire plot given the fact it is a bunch of delinquents going up against a grinch at Christmas. It isn't really funny. If I may refer back to my sliding scale of comedy, This entire movie runs off of Humor. It does things it expects to be funny, but never work. The reason for this is that the Children are too good at what they do, and the adults are too inept. Everyone has to be competent for humor to become funny. I realize it is hard to write slapstick when everyone is competent, but then again you shouldn't really write slapstick.

There is almost no way to improve this movie. Unless... Watch the trailer for a sec:

     Imagine Orlando Bloom playing Lewis Black's part. It's completely out-there, but what if he did? He isn't really notable for playing very angry characters, so there might be a laugh to be had for seeing him try to play a Grinch. (Or Jim Carrey, he has prior experience playing a Grinch, and at least his hammy and angry performance would be hilarious.)
     Second, remove the base humor (you saw a lot of it in the trailer) altogether, and replace it with higher-class humor. You know, jokes for adults rather than for kids. They don't have to be sexual in nature or black comedy, just jokes that aim a lot higher (figuratively and literally). That would significantly improve the movie.

     Okay, from the ashes comes a movie I really want to direct, "Unaccompanied Minors: Fixer Sue Edition" Featuring Orlando Bloom as the antagonist.


This has been Fixer Sue, adding another movie to the list of films I really want to see a good remake of.

It's a Wonderful Life

Still here people. Why did we listen to a race easily wiped out by Europeans again?
Here's a theory:

    It's a Wonderful Life is one of the biggest Christmas Classics. Yet, it surprisingly has actually very little to do with Christmas. The third act takes place on Christmas Eve, but the first and second acts take place at different times throughout the year. But hey, we ignore that because of the ending! Plus it'd be rather odd to only explore his Christmases; he isn't a scrooge so he should have no problem with them.

    Before continuing forward: never remake this. Ever. If one day in the future we learn to make perfect recreations of humans on computer without making it look creepy, then you may redo the visuals. But keep the sound, unless you can make it sound exactly the same with higher quality.
     Or, more simply, leave it alone if you are not going to make it 100% the same. Yes it isn't perfect, yes there are one or two problems that could be fixed, but like the Rankin Bass specials, any attempt to remake it will end in tragedy for the studio. Do not mess with the classic.

Now, there won't be a plot summary, because I refuse to spoil anything for anyone who hasn't seen it, and those who has seen it won't need it.

Here are the few problems with it:

1. The love interest's personality is too tied to George Bailey. She's human, she should have her own personality. Her humor implies a personality, but we don't get to see much of it.
2. George Potter is a karma Houdini. We should at the very least get an epilogue where we get this scene relating to him:

That's really about it. Everything else is great. Go watch it is you haven't seen it. Go watch it again if you have. Oh, and people making Christmas movies, take note: not all Christmas movies need to target children.

This has been Fixer Sue. Tomorrow... Its... 

Not Monty python's flying circus, that's for sure.

Elf

     Will Ferrel. Most of the time just saying his name causes movie-goers to flee... Yet, Elf is a big exception to this rule. Elf is now considered a Christmas classic, up there with A Christmas Story and Christmas Vacation. Why is this? Well, let me tell you what happens first...

(note, this may spoil one or two jokes, and there are guaranteed spoilers ahead. If you haven't seen this movie- go see it now. It is 4 days until Christmas and you haven't seen Elf?)


     The story begins with Papa Elf explaining elf culture; why the Kebler elves bake cookies in trees, how lazy cobblers get work done, and how Santa isn't a slave driver because the elves enjoy making toys. He explains how no human has ever set foot in Santa's workshop... until that one time.
     We are then treated to opening credits similar to that of Franken Bass, and the story begins at an orphanage... Where a baby is being put to bed by a nun in a rather empty room... After the nun leaves, Santa appears. the baby sees a teddy bear in Santa's sack, and sneakily climbs in.
     We then return to the north pole, where everyone is celebrating a successful trip and preparing for next Christmas (they must have some kind of future-sight to be able to prepare brand name toys months in advance...).
     Then the baby crawls out of the sack. (the orphanage must've been Santa's last stop, otherwise he should've noticed the baby in his sack. Unless his bag is dimensionally transcendental, or is just a bag of holding.) The elves assume his name is buddy because it says "little buddy diapers" on his diaper, and Papa elf volunteers to raise him. (No question is brought up of whether Santa should bring him back to the Orphanage...)
      We then have a montage of Buddy growing up, eventually reaching adulthood at around the time regular elves were only children. At the end of the montage, Buddy is shown Santa's sleigh, which Papa Elf added an engine to because Christmas spirit is so low. They discuss why it is so low, Papa elf explaining that it is because people believe the parents to be the ones placing items under the tree.
(Okay, I have to interject and finally tackle this... In stories in which Santa is real, how do the parents explain the gifts that appear under the tree that neither of them bought or wrapped? From a child's perspective the parents being Santa is plausible, but from the parent's perspective it is impossible. 
In addition, they say the sleigh runs on Christmas spirit... yet in the scene with the sleigh, it is at 25%. Is 25% of the world experiencing Christmas 2 from Santa Claus the Movie? It should read zero... Then, later in the movie, the meter says Christmas spirit is zero, yet there are still children. As long as there are Christian children, Christmas spirit could not be zero. Not to mention the fact that Santa != Christmas Spirit, since the same thing can be wrought from watching Christmas movies divorced from Santa. So, the Clausometer does not measure Christmas Spirit, but rather belief in Santa.)
     After giving his adopted-father a hand with repairing the engine, we switch to a scene with buddy building etch-a-sketches... Ming Ming, the foreman, asks how many Etch-a-sketches he's made, and he responds "85...". That alone would be fantastic, Chinese factory workers wish they could reach that number in just a couple hours. but, it is apparent off pace by 915.
(I was going to do a bit of math about how ridiculous that number of Etch-a-sketches is... but apparently there are 22 million Christian Children in the world. So 363,000 (1000 a day for 363 days) etch-a-sketches is actually underwhelming compared to 22,000,000 Children. Santa needs to industrialize; if elves working every day of the year can create enough gifts for 22 million children, imagine what elf-made machines would do-
Oh, right... They did that in Santa Claus the movie, and it got two orphan children beat up.)
     Buddy is then sent to toy testing, where he tormented by Jack-in-a-box's by the dozens... (okay, seriously, what child asks for a jack-in-a-box? What is the appeal? I can see Etch-a-sketches, since they are used creatively, but a jack-in-a-box... it does one thing, and that is pop out of a box and scare people.) Buddy then overhears the foreman telling a worker about how Buddy is a human, causing Buddy to go into a blue screen of death.
     He rushes home, where he runs into the bathroom and slams the door. Papa elf comforts him, and tells him where he came from... and somehow he knows who his real father is, and the series of events that led Buddy to be in the orphanage.
     Buddy is then advised to go to New York and find his father. However, we find out that his father is played a mob boss masquerading as a children's book producer, and is on the naughty-list.
     Undeterred, Buddy goes to New York to find his dad and bring the Christmas spirit to him.
     After some misadventures, Buddy locates his dad, but is kicked out for acting like a crazy-person. He then goes to Gimbels (doesn't exist anymore) and works for the toy department. There, he meets Zooey Deschanel (actually called Jovi in the movie), who is a little deadpan, and disinterested in the Christmas season.
     When Gimbels closes, Buddy begins decorating the entire place in a montage. Afterwards, we meet Walter Dob's (the dad) family. Cut back to Buddy, he has finished his masterpiece, and walks into the girls bathroom while Zooey is in the shower singing "Baby it's Cold Outside." After fleeing from an angry Zooey, Buddy delivers a present to his father, and returns to Gimbels.
      After discovering the Mall Santa was a fake, Buddy freaks out, and is fired and taken to jail for public disturbance (would've occurred much sooner probably). Walter then opens the gift from Buddy, and finds Buddy's picture of his mother and father, and goes to jail to bail Buddy out. Walter then takes Buddy to a hospital to run a Hereditary test. It is confirmed that Buddy is his son, and Buddy goes home with Walter.


I shall stop the summary there; after some deliberation I determined that I didn't really need to do a summary of this movie, and considered removing the summary entirely; but the notes inside it I do like, so it stays.


     Now, this movie I advise against remaking or having a sequel. Sure it was funny, but any sequels will ruin it, and a remake will not have the same charm. But, I will still say how it could be improved as a lesson for future movies.
      First, the actor for Walter Dobbs... He has played a character in the mafia. When he gets mad, it truly sounds terrifying. he wasn't a very good choice for the role. I'm not sure who would be, but a guy who sounds like he will pull a shotgun off the wall and shoot you, not the best guy for a Christmas movie.
     Second, Buddy's antics, while humorous, go on for a bit too long.

     But, beyond those two points, what I love most about the movie is how it can be dramatic at the same time it's comedic. It uses drama well, making the comedy work a better contrast against it. This is the sort of thing comedy movies don't usually get; that being jam-packed with gags, jokes, and sillyness, does not make a lasting film.



This has been Fixer Sue.

Miracle on 34th Street

I have seen two versions of Miracle on 34th street; the black and white version shown on TV that was cut up to fit 45 minutes, and the 1994 version.
Both seem like typical Christmas movies of their time; the original focuses on the whimsy and comedy, while the newer version focuses on the faith aspect.
There are quite a few similarities between the two, and some differences... Rather big differences...


I'll summarize the plot itself and then discuss the differences and similarities.

     Macy's department store (Coles in the remake) had to replace their Mall Santa with another man. However, this man thinks he actually is Santa Claus, calling himself Kris Kringle, saying he was born at the North Pole, and having intimate knowledge of Santa's inner workings; he even looks like a Jolly old man!
     He ends up being very popular, thanks in no small part to the fact he gives recommendations to the parents as to where they can buy toys for cheap. (Here's my first problem... He thinks himself Santa, but yet he isn't saying "I'll bring the toys" he is saying where the parents can get the toys. I guess he just knows the underlying desires of the children or something... Or he erases the cost of the toys form the parent's bank accounts. That'd be significantly easier than delivering toys to every house.)
    This turns out to be a great business practice, as it makes the shoppers think that Macy's cares about the customer more than the money, and make them want to shop there. (Despite, you know, costing a lot more money than the alternatives.) This turns Santa into an even bigger hit.
     Around this time Kris's Sanity is called into question; and events pertaining to his sanity that involve a cane and copious amounts of ham lead to him being put into a nuthouse, where he purposely flunks his sanity test. He is then taken to court to prove that he is the real Santa Claus. Some shenanigans follow, and Kris is acquitted.
     There is also a love story and belief in Santa Claus in there, but honestly it is more than a little forgettable except for a few key scenes.


     The original (or the shortened version I saw) had it's court hearing heavily in Kris's favor, with the judge not wanting to declare him not to be Santa because he wanted to run for office, the prosecutor is just doing his job and doesn't want to send Kris to a mental institution... The judge even quickly declares a recess in favor of Kris so his lawyer can find a way for a governing body to claim Kris as Santa. Through a bit of trickery with the post office, Kris is let off the hook.

     The newer version added a lot of padding and a pointless villain. It is a whole lot meaner than the original,  and at times unpleasant. It also shoehorns in some religion (yes I know Christmas is religious, but this is a movie about Santa, religion shouldn't play too big a part). In this version, the prosecutor actually wants to send Kris to the mental institution (he's being paid by the villain), and the judge is stuck between not wanting to ruin Santa in the minds of children and wanting the money the villain is offering for when he runs for office. Kris wins out by the judge being shown a dollar bill, with the words "In god we trust" circled, and the judge declares that because the government recognizes God without proof of his existence  that the court did not need proof of Santa's existence. Which actually means he'd have to send it to a higher court...
Plus there is also the problem of the constitution saying that the government shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion... having "In God We Trust" on our money is already stretching it. But, Santa is non-secular, he is celebrated in Japan without Christian context, so whatever...

     Despite how short it is, I like the older version much better. Both of them contain the same sweetness and charm, but the original has it more focused and with less cynicism. And it actually begs the question for me, "What is in the scenes that were cut? This movie seems complete without them, so were they pointless padding, or were they important? If they were important, why were they removed?" It also makes me wonder about how the same could be applied to other movies; remove a lot of the padding and unnecessary scenes, leaving only the very important ones. The mark of a good movie would probably where you say that no scene is pointless, and everything is important (one can argue the second Star Trek movie is this, where every scene has something that is used again later.)

     As for the newer version... Why does Hollywood try to remake the good things? Why don't they try to remake Santa Claus conquers the martians or that one movie where Santa fights the devil... Or hell, just do an animated movie of Santa fighting the denizens of Apokalips in order to give Darkseid his coal (DC universe joke, HO!). Anything, but remake a movie that doesn't need to be remade. Is it outdated? No, it's a period piece, just like Its A Wonderful Life. Coincidentally, don't ever try to remake It's a Wonderful Life, your company will die in flames. And porcupines.


This has been Fixer Sue, tomorrow... Buddy's comin' to town.

Rise of the Guardians

(First thing of note, this movie actually takes place a few days before Easter... But given the amount of Snow, the focus on the North Pole, and the fact it was released for the Christmas season, I'm calling this a Christmas movie.)

     Dreamworks has proven with How to Train Your Dragon that they are good at making a movie based on a book, and has proven it again with Rise of the Guardians. While this movie doesn't reach my top ten, I definitely enjoyed it more than Brave, and am far more likely to get the DVD (my chances of purchasing Brave are pretty nil.)
I suppose I should explain why it doesn't impress me as much, but why it is still good.


First, I initially thought my favorite characters were going to be Santa and the Easter bunny, because of how badass they are, that I was going to dislike Jack because he is interrupting a team of greats, and that Tooth Fairy was going to be the dull Chick of the group. Wrong on all accounts.
     Jack Frost is actually my favorite character, followed by Tooth, then Easter Bunny, Santa, and finally Sandman (he was never really a contender, and what happens in the movie doesn't really help him). While Jack Frost is awesome and Tooth is actually a fun character, Easter Bunny and Santa sorta fall flat. They're cool, but don't leave a particular impact. Rather, Santa's yetis are more memorable.
      Actually, as a quick tangent; I was worried upon seeing the elves in commercials that they'd be Dreamworks equivalent of the minions from despicable me... They were, but they were better. The Yetis also fill the role of the Minions, but because they are stylized, cool, and competent, they are way more awesome. I gag at the thought of an entire movie about the Despicable Me minions, but I would like to see a short Christmas special about the Yetis. Hell, they could possibly even do the Star Wars Christmas special and it'd be hilarious.
      Returning to the characters, I have to say that Dreamworks is much better at making villains than Pixar. Pitch is the main badguy, and what he wants to do is sew fear among the populace, and be recognized again, rather than being an invisible force. He has a Freudian excuse, and actually ties him well with Jack, both of them being invisible to people. Him compared to Mor'du from Brave... Pitch would probably kick Mor'du's ass.

     Where the movie starts to unimpress me is in the plot. The guardians need to fight Pitch, who is trying to make the world fear him again. Except, Pitch fight the guardians by trampling over Children's belief in them... This forces the Guardians to help each other in keeping the children believing. The plot comes to a halt for about 10-20 minutes while the guardians get the children believing again, and just sort of feels like they were trying to create child-like wonderment... I really would've preferred to see them strut their stuff by actually fighting Pitch.

But, I suppose that is something for a sequel... and they got most of the wonderment out of their systems, so they can't repeat it again, meaning Rise of the Guardians 2 (or Guardians Begins, or Guardians Knights) will likely be the folk lore brawl we were hoping the first to be.

(Don't give me that thing about how "It's for kids! There isn't supposed to be a lot of fighting!"
Prince of Egypt is a movie kids can watch, and it is about the Exodus. You know, the story about the thousands of Egyptians killed by plagues? Where the main character kills someone, and we have almost graphic displays of torture... I think kids can handle a little PG fighting. Hell, this is the company that gave us Kung Fu Panda.)

This has been Fixer Sue. You know, The Prince of Egypt reminded me of something... Rule 34? nah that's not it... Miracle 34?

Tangerine Bear: Home in time for Christmas

What we haven't really touched on is a small sub-genre of christmas specials; the direct to video, quick-cash christmas stories.
Tangerine Bear was made for very, very little kids... Age 2-4 (as stated by Netflix)

The movie begins at a factory, working over time to create stuffed bears. (I don't know about you, but stores I go to don't usually have a large amount of stuffed animals on display... they will normally sprinkle them throughout the toy isles (since they are usually brand names) and I've only seen Toy R Us with any large section of stuffed animals. There are only 50 stuffed animals tops in that section though, meaning that the factory working over time to fulfill orders is quite unlikely.)
A chase with a mouse and a factory worker causes a bear to be knocked over; cause a defect where the smile is sewn upside down, and to the side. (The problem is, the machine managed to still place it on the head. Had it worked like they are saying, the smile would instead be on his ass. Since it is still on the head, we have to assume the machine can identify the body part the smile is supposed to be sewn on... And by extension, should be able to get it right. But whatever, Mystery Science Theatre 3000 mantra, "it's just a movie, I should just enjoy myself...") All this while a narrator tells us what we see. Then the bear is packaged, and sent to a department store. On the way, all the bears get out of their boxes and start walking and talking...
    This came out 6 years after toy story mind you, but you do need to give SOME explanation as to why factory made toys are alive. Or at the very least put some thought into how you present them as alive.
     Then a bear with a whistle claims he's a general, and explains to the bear their goal in life: Be sold. Slavery, the kids edition!
      And then they... start singing... You know what, I prefer the songs in Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer. At least they were actual songs, that people were expected to purchase and listen to. These songs are just banal drible. Not to mention, completely pointless. Nothing comes of the bear's song, it just comes and goes... could be removed with probably a negative damage value to the movie. (That is, it would heal the movie if removed.)
     They then arrive at Kroll's, as massive store. (Does not exist, by Brian Kroll is one of the people in charge of Kohls. A little ironic. ^^)
All the other bears get sold off one by one (including to a little kid who asked Santa for a teddy bear. Dream big kid...) but the one with the upside down smile doesn't get sold (I call foul. It has woobie potential. The others seem like slashers with their smiles). Well, actually, he almost gets sold to a child who seems delighted with the bear, but upon reaching the counter, the child declares he doesn't want it, all because of the frown. (Bugger that child he doesn't deserve a woobie.) He is put on the discount table, marked 50% off.
     Given how the father of that child said they were looking all over town for that bear (dude, freaking make the bear yourself, it'll be easier and cost significantly less than the gas you wasted) 50% is worth the defect. Then as night falls, the bear comes to life again, and sees he's on the discount table, along with a blue monkey in a fez and a girl (no idea what her problem is). They say the monkey is there because he's blue (stylistic) but I say it's because he's annoying. Thankfully they are sold off and never seen again. He is then taken to a Second-hand store called Winkles (kids movies, bugger off the cutesy names. Go for something like Meisters, teach kids to say bigger and more sensical words).
     There we meet a mermaid clock named Lorelei (It's ariel. Don't try and say it isn't. The only difference is the color of her fin and seashells.) a jack-in-the-box voiced by Howie Mendel (joy bunnies...) and a cowardly/stern cucoo clock. Still rather pointless chit-chatter...
      Then we get a brief economic lesson about second-hand stores: Mr. Winkle explains to the delivery man (who asks what makes him think he can sell the merchandise) that he finds things that are useful and what people need, and he pays very little so he can charge less than 50%. Honestly, this should've been 5 minutes into the special, but instead it is 14 minutes.
     The store owner then recognizes how the bear is unique, and places him in the front window with the other characters.
     And it is at this point that I have to shake my head at the premise and the execution... You see, the bear is physically incapable of smiling because of how he was made. But, he is alive. And the jack-in-the-box has a smile too... and he can frown. The bear should be able to fix his predicament, since he is alive.
     The store was at one point popular, but then a bridge was built and people went to the department stores instead (Damn you Wal'mart! No seriously, Damn you!).
     The bear then decides to get a chair to have a higher chance of being seen. The other toys tell him of Virgil, the bulldog in charge of security. The bear isn't really worried, and actually manages to be a little suave when chatting to the dog. (yeah, apparently dogs and toys can interact and speak to one another. Explanation? none given.) However he fails in his endeavor, and is forced into a banal chase... Luckily the owner comes down and put the bear back at the window with the chair.
     After a large amount of time, the bear's color fades, and he becomes Tangerine.
     A year passes, (apparently rent can wait until the end of the year) and the toys decide to improve the  look of the window, which consequently brings in more sales (Come on, everyone who plays Recettear knows that...). The mermaid clock is then sold to a guy from Grease., and Virgil gets outside. Later that night, the toys let Virgil back in, getting him on their side.
     They then decorate the window more, Virgil revealing that more decorations were hidden. The shop owner notices the window decorations, but blames his forgetfulness for not remembering putting them up.
     It once again comes close to Christmas, but the toys still aren't bought. They decide to go outside the store to take a look at the decorations, but get caught in a blizzard. Bear gets lost, but is found again by the owner. However, the bear mistakes him for Santa (he's wearing a costume) and all the other toys mistake him for Santa too.
     Then a super rich version of harry potter appears and wants to buy the bear. He is apparently a collector, and wants the bear and Jack in the box for $200, because of the defects. Winkle declines, calling the toys his family. Ridiculously sappy. Harry leaves, but says he'll bring some friends with him next time.

     Actually, the entire special is sappy, silly, and ridiculous...
     But it can be improved.

     First, eliminate all songs, and remove the narrator. They aren't necessary.
     Second, don't have the toys come to life until the bear is in the toy store and placed at the front. Reduce the length of the opening to 5 minutes at most.
     Replace the mermaid with a doll. Don't have her sold off. The mermaid never reappears, so it is a wasted character (along with the other doll and the monkey at the beginning. Makes me wonder if the writers just didn't wan to write a female character...) The doll shall instead be the cynical one, with the cucoo instead just being cowardly.
     Replace the jack-in-a-box with something less silly. Make it a nutcracker, and choose a less bouncy voice actor.
     Virgil should warm up to the toys when Bear talks with him first, rather than a "rescue." Show him up in some way, (intellect would be easy) and make him have a grudging respect for them.
     And finally, the bear... make him a determinator, someone who will not relent in what they are trying to accomplish, rather than being just a downer. It will make him more endearing, and even more likable.
     
      I actually remember the special differently from how it played out; the way I remembered it, the mermaid was returned (wife didn't like it or something) and the shop owner barely spoke, but acknowledged that the window was always changing, and that he thought the toys were always improving the window every night, and didn't sell them because of that.
     This special could be half an hour long, and would be significantly better, cutting it down from 49 minutes to 21 would cut down a lot of the fluff, make it seem quicker, and put more meaning behind the slow and quiet moments.


You know, I've heard this question asked before: "Why doesn't Hollywood try remaking the shitty movies, rather than the good ones?"
I would like to see someone improve this special. There is something in it to be made into a better special, if just put into the right hands.

This has been Fixer Sue; one week 'til Christmas, I'll see about getting some bigger specials to review. ^^

The Santa Clause

     You know what makes a good Christmas film? Divorce and custody rights cases against a crazy guy! That's what makes a brilliant Christmas film!
     No, I am serious. The Santa Clause isn't just a story about how a guy becomes Santa Claus, it is also about the implications of it. It doesn't just say "He's Santa, now he has completely abandoned his whole life to be the jolly fat man!" It is about his transition, and the problems that arise from it.

    The movie centers around Scott Calvin, who works as an executive in a toy-making company. He has an Ex-wife whom he shares custody of their son, Charlie, with. On Christmas Eve, Scott's ex-wife drops off Charlie with Scott,  who is supposed to watch him until Christmas morning.
    That night, Charlie hears Santa Claus on the roof. Thinking it's a burglar, Scott goes outside to stop him, and accidentally causes Santa to fall. Scott ends up performing the rest of Santa's job, taking Charlie with him. as such, he fell victim to the Santa Clause, meaning that, with Santa dead, Scott became the new Santa Claus.
     Scott is given 11 months to get his affairs in order (meaning basically never going back to his job except for one scene where he makes a fool of himself) and during that period transitions into looking like Santa.
     Meanwhile, Charlie is obsessed with Santa now, as he knows Scott to be Santa. However, his mother and her Psychiatrist boyfriend are concerned for Charlie's well-being. That is the main plot of the movie; the relationship between Scott, Charlie, and Scott's Ex. It isn't about how he's going to deliver the toys, or any of that; it is a rather sober look at what this kind of transformation would do to one's life. It is a bit like a children's version of a werewolf movie, except with a much happier ending.

     I don't really have any problems with this movie. While initially some jokes are outdated, a couple got renewed in their humor (Do you remember the first time Charlie Sheen went crazy?). The only thing I could do without is all the technology and kidish antics near the end of the movie. The rest of the movie is very sober, and the last 15-20 minutes seem like something out of Home Alone, or Unaccompanied Minors... It would've been better if they maintained that Soberness, as the antics can leave a bit of a bitter taste. (Wow, I didn't even mean to make an alcohol pun there, but it works.)

     This is certainly a Christmas Classic, but it doesn't really breach the top of the list.

Then again, neither will tomorrow's. Tomorrow is a movie you've never heard of, and will never watch. Yet, it has potential to be something of value.

6Teen

6Teen

     6Teen is a flash-animated TV show from a Canadian company that got popular in the states thanks to Cartoon Network, and coming form the same people as Total Drama Island (a survivor parody that as of late has just become more base and ridiculous). It is about 6 teenagers who work in a mall.

The Characters are as follows:

• Caitlin, the shop-a-holic pretty, popular girl. Well, assumed popular, we never see them in school, though she seems popular enough considering the number of boyfriends she goes through.
• Jen, the serious and straight-laced girl. She tends to snap rather easily when under stress.
• Nikki, angry punk girl. Not much more to say, angry punk girl pretty much explains everything.
• Jonesy, slacker, moron, Casanova, and all around un-hire-able guy. If something goes wrong, it is likely his fault.
• Jude, chill skater dude. Seems to be high most of the time, almost never leaves his state of calm/bliss.
• Wyatt, token black guy, music writer, singer, and coffeeholic. Had an extremely long and annoying arc about a girl he liked breaking up with him.

     Together, there are everydayish hijinks and Aesops... And two Christmas Episodes (at least, of the first 5 seasons). They actually run basically like normal episodes, thanks to the British culture of Christmas episodes being regular episodes in a series, which is actually somewhat interesting considering how much of a different feel they have from the standard American fare.

     The art-style can best be described as thus: South park if the creators tried to make something of value.

     I'm going to do them both in the same post, because they are relatively short, contain a lot of the same themes, and splitting them in two would seem like a cop-out.

The First Episode:

     The first one begins with Jen working at the Penalty Box (sports shop) where she is being overworked by last-minute shoppers. (I guess it must be a Canadian thing to go buy a lot of sports equipment for gifts... I can't imagine why a small sports shop would be swamped with people buying stuff on Christmas Eve otherwise. Though the guy buying a jockstrap has no excuse, he doesn't need to be buying that on Christmas Eve.) She then excuses herself to go scream in an elevator about how much she hates working during Christmas.

     After the intro, we cut to "The Lemon" (a smoothie shop that Caitlin works at, and is the frequent hangout spot for the group. I imagine that's because the relatively low number of layers in that area makes it easier to export.) where after Jen rages some more, now also complaining about how her and Jonesy's parents are dating, and how Jonesy has a large number of traditions she's expected to take part in (They involve competitions of the racing and eating variety). To try and quell her rage and restore Christmas spirit, Caitlin takes Jen to help her find her Christmas presents. Jude, meanwhile, is trying to wrap a basket ball. (The answer to this problem is relatively simple, though takes a bit of creativity: Take the wrapping paper and make sure it wraps around the ball Hotdog style, then take the excess paper on both ends, and bind them near the ball to make it look like a giant piece of candy. Simple! No tape needed.) Jude fails spectacularly with the wrapping; he gets wrapped up in the tape, and when he breaks free, he launches the ball some distance away, and comments that that was the third ball he lost. Then he reveals that he bought the ball for himself. (He's spacey, so I'm not inclined to call him a moron.) He is of course berated for this by Nikki, and told he's supposed to shop for other people (The guy buying a jockstrap sure wasn't). Jonesy then comes in and mentions that the Mall Santa was put out of commission (sick in some way, arteries or something) and that the job is up for grabs. So he goes for it.

     We then cut to Wyatt, who is in-line getting his coffee. He is incredibly weak, requiring his coffee before he can do anything. He finally gets it, but a careless shopper passes by him (At the front of the line mind you. Wyatt hasn't even taken a step away.) and knocks the drink onto his shirt. Wyatt curses the sky, but instead of buying another coffee (he's still at the front of the line) Caitlin and Jen drag him along to go see Jonesy as Santa Claus (along with Jude and Nikki) to their surprise however, Jonesy is instead a Santa's helper, tights and all. (It is at this point that I notice that their legs are longer than the entire top half of their bodies.)

     After some brief, somewhat banal antics, they all end up back at the Lemon with their gifts to each other all prepared, and Jonesy was fired (doesn't really matter how, he was going to get himself fired even if he did what he was supposed to). Caitlin remarks about how they all are so bummed and wants to cheer them up. Jonesy mentions that he could get them into a movie, and they do... (Never mind that the tickets for a matinee are only 6 dollars, meaning they could all pay their own tickets or one of them could pay for all, and they could get in legally and not have any problems...) But they are all thrown out after making too much noise. Then they wander around the secret passages of the Mall (What kind of mall is it where they have backdoor passages? I could understand loading and unloading of merchandise,  but these passages seem to be commercially available... So why did they make it like a maze?) after several hours, they end up back at the Lemon, where they discover their presents are gone (they didn't hide them, they were left in the open). Everyone begins breaking down, especially since they are locked in (alarms should be going off... or an exit should be open from the inside...). Caitlin remarks that she was working her ass off to make it a good Christmas, because she's never had brothers or sisters to celebrate with, while everyone else has a big family to enjoy it with. Everyone then calms down and problems are resolved (that's a recurring theme in the show... If they were to just talk to each other, they wouldn't have all these problems). Then Wyatt remembers that Jonesy has the master key to the mall, form when he worked with the rent-a-cop (Christopher Walken Expy. They don't quite get his speech pattern right). Their first thought is leaving, but then they get other ideas... (No alarms means FREE FOR ALL 5-FINGER DISCOUNT! EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED AT YOUR GRASP!) No, instead they decide to simply do party things, then leave.

      After the commercial break, we come back to find out that Jen won the competition against Jonesy and his brothers (her stomach had to have been screaming at her after that eating contest...) and we close out on the first holiday episode.

     The Second Episode:

     This episode takes place about a year after the first, though little has changed beyond Wyatt and Jude's place of employment.

     In this episode, Jen is once again super stressed about working during Christmas... Only this time it is directed at her boss, rather than with her family. Nikki, meanwhile, is trying to avoid her parents, who are taking her to a tropical area as a Christmas gift (she has zero interest). Caitlin has started a secondary business where she does the shopping for guys who don't know what to get their girlfriends (I always request a wishlist. I can never know what someone wants without one, and I have terrible judgement otherwise). Jonesy is finally doing something right, being a gift wrapper (he is surprisingly good). Jude gets the idea that he should make all his Christmas gifts to people (he actually does a decent job, and puts some actual thought into what his friends would like, though they all backfire in some way, or don't reach their conclusion.) And Wyatt... Wyatt barely does anything. He mostly just tries to get his boss at Underground video (and indie video renting store, likely went out of business with the advent of Netflix) to be more interested in Christmas, complete with a 2 minute abridged version of A Christmas Carol. That's pretty much it, there is no overarching plotline to this episode, it is a bunch of small plots that have a tiny bit of interaction with each other. Still, slightly better than the first one.

     Now, compare these to the "All Grown Up!" special... The All grown up special made me rage hard at the illogical, especially since the show was so melodramatic about it... This one is far more cynical, and yet because of that feels better than "The Finster Who Stole Christmas." These specials aren't really good but they aren't terrible. They aren't something I would want to watch again, but they aren't hair-splittingly bad. They are at the very least refreshing, and rather normal.

     To improve these episodes... Honestly there isn't really much one can do. It's like trying to improve Full House or Friends... Nothing would really make them better, since they are pretty banal to begin with. I'd just say improve production values; add some tints so that it isn't always mid-day white light. But I say that to every single cartoon, so it isn't anything to squirm over...

This has been Fixer Sue. Tomorrow... We see why Disney is obsessed with Tim Allen.

The Polar Express

     InB4 OMG CREEPY PEOPLE!

     This movie was created by Robert Zemeckis, who also created Beowulf, the 2009 A Christmas Carol with Jim Carrey. If you can remember any of these three, you'll recognize him as the guy who motion-captures a lot and makes the characters really uncanny.  But, he's also the one who made all the back to the future movies, Forrest Gump, and Cast Away. So, the man knows how to create a good movie... though he may not know what looks natural...

     The Polar express is based off the book of the same name (shock of all shocks, a Christmas special based on a Christmas book... Next thing you know they'll create a The Night Before Christmas movie, and it will feature a family of mice finding out what Christmas is... Wait, never mind that actually does exist. As does a Christmas story about a bear that got it's smile sewn upside down and spends its life improving the storefront window of a toy store... Considering reviewing the second one there) but takes some creative liberties *cough*padding*cough* with the plot.

     The movie starts out with Boy (No name given. He is credited as "Hero boy." Seriously, couldn't even take a couple seconds to introduce the characters...) questioning whether Santa exist or not... believing a lot of the evidence to point to the contrary. Though I think his encyclopedia is a little out of date... It says the north pole is devoid of life. While the fauna of the north are scarce, there are still animals there.
     After he falls asleep, he wakes up at 5 to 11, and hears the sound of a train. He goes outside to investigate, and boards the Polar Express.
     On the train, he meets Girl (this movie has an aversion to names) and Know-it-all. After a quick pass-by Herpolsheimer's (a really old department store, cementing this story as "In the past"), they make their last stop at the house of a boy named Billy (we only learn his name in the last 20 minutes, so it doesn't avert the aversion to names). Billy at first doesn't want to ride the joy train to happies vile, but then decides he does, and tries to catch up to the train. He fails, so Boy pulls the emergency brake and allows him to get on. But, Billy heads to the last train car, and sits alone. (For the longest time I thought Billy was Jewish, and that's why he didn't want to be with the others who celebrate Christmas. ...I was 10, what do you want from me?) Boy is then berated by Tom Hanks for pulling the brake, and thus begins a long running gag about Boy and brakes.
    After everyone is served hot chocolate by those creepy statues of Itallians you usually see in furniture stores or at the front of pseudo-Itallian restaraunts, Boy loses Girl's ticket before she got it punched. As a consequence, the conductor took her to the back train car, and had her walk with him on top of the train-

     Okay I can't ignore it... That isn't flour they're walking in, it is snow. And they are all in pyjamas. The'd get Hypothermia EXTREMELY easily, especially when the wind is blowing atop the train cars.
And that's another thing; the number of train cars varies form scene to scene. At times there are only 3 plus the engine, while in some scenes it is extremely long. Judging based on story and transition, the 3 train cars version seems to be the correct one. One for the recycled toys, one for the children, and an overflow behind the one for children, which Billy hangs out in. There are at most only 30 children along for the ride, as evidenced by the scene where they arrive at the north pole, meaning that the version with 7 or so cars is mostly empty. But I guess a 4 piece train isn't "Majestic."

     Anyway, Boy ends up finding Girl's ticket, and tries to go return it. While doing so, he meets hobo, who makes him wonder if it is all just a dream. Then he goes skiing with boy to get him to the engine before he is crushed by flat-top tunnel... Or, alternatively, he could just put Boy into one of the train cars, and get to the front that way... Save a lot of time and effort.
     Upon arrival at the front, Girl is chilling in the engine room, where the engineer has showed her everything about the train. After some adventures with Caraboo, and riding the train like a roller coaster (Who builds the tracks like that? if they can suspend the tracks, do it so that it goes FLAT.) Boy returns Girl's ticket, and they return to their seats.
     Or, rather, they go to the back car to have a sing-song with Billy. No idea why.
     After a few more minutes, they arrive at the North Pole...You'd think we'd be done, right? Their journey is over, and they are going to meet Santa.
     Nope, Billy initially doesn't want to go. So Girl and Boy try to convince him. But, by accident, the train car detaches, and causes them to go the opposite direction of the town square. Thus there is another dangerous adventure through areas with 0 compliance with OSHA standards and regulations... Concluding with all of them eventually at the Square to meet Santa.
     Then Santa's reindeer come out, as to the bells they wear. The bells don't make a sound. Then Boy says he believes, and the bell makes a sound. Boy is then chosen to receive the first gift of Christmas, adn he chooses the bell.
     Later, he discovers he lost the bell in his pocket with the ripped hole. Oh noes.... But then Santa returns it on Christmas Day. Huzzahs! And his parents don't hear the bell because they don't believe in Santa. KK.


     Amazingly enough, despite its flaws, I don't tend to harp on The Polar Express while watching it. Now, this could mean that it is actually really boring... but I find it to be decent, to say the least.
     However, I could do without a lot of the extra bits... It is 1 and 2/3rds an hour long, we don't really need a scene of an eagle feeding the ticket to it's baby, only for it to cough up the ticket. Nor do we need most of the third act. The second act is okay, as it works more as an experience, like we are with the characters doing what they are doing... but it could also be trimmed. I say this movie could be perfect at 80 minutes.
      Also, give the children names... while referring to them as Boy and Girl is humorous, there is no real way to discuss the movie without names. Imagine a TV show built like that, where you don't know anyone's name, you just know them by some trait and always refer to them as that trait. Wouldn't last long...
     Lastly, ditch Know-it-all kid. He's creepy and annoying.


This has been Fixer Sue. Tomorrow... oh bugger if I know.

The Finster Who Stole Christmas

And we are right back to the rugrats... Or, rather, it's spin-off, All Grown Up. I was actually briefly a part of the age group that liked this show, and can give the gist of it: it's Rugrats, with all the characters being older, and getting into boring, every-sitcom situations. It managed to last 5 seasons, but with 52 episodes, it isn't that impressive... My little Pony is on it's third season, and it is pushing 60 episodes (though if this season wasn't shortened, it'd probably be more).

Not much has changed, so I'll just bring up the necessary information as it occurs.


     The episode begins with Dil discussing with his brotehr Tommy about how Christmas has all the good songs, while Hanukkah has barely any... (I can disagree. There is "Chanukah, Oh Chanukah" which Barenaked ladies did a cover of, and i personally like more than Christmas Songs. There are also half a dozen other songs that, while they aren't mainstream, do exist and are sung around Hanukkah. Plus, Jingle Bells isn't actually a Christmas song; we just sing it around that time, and it got attributed to it. Jingle Bells has much to do with Christmas as Eggs do with the rebirth of Jesus.) Dil then decides to write a Hanukkah song... And it is terrible. There is a reason why Jewish music is awesome, and they miss it.

Here is a good example of good Jewish music:

No further explanation required.

     All the other kids are discussing what they are doing over the holidays, including Angelica being put on a bus (figuratively, but still joy to be found), and Chuckie delivers the funniest line in the show:

"What are you doing for the holidays Chuckie?"

"The usual. High expectations met with crushing disappointment."

    We then cut to Chuckie and Tommy at Chuckie's house, looking over a DVD of all the Christmas' of the Finster household... and how they always have a terrible tree that makes Charlie Brown's tree look like the Rockefeller Tree. (Chaz must be a massive cheapskate...) The best thing I can say is that the show keeps continuity; when it shows Chuckie as a baby, it manages to follow the established canon for what he and his now-dead birth-mother looked like.

     Chuckie then complains about how his dad never springs to make Christmas more enjoyable... to which I call Bull, since the very first Rugrats Christmas special had Chaz dressing up as Santa Claus and going down the chimney just to give Chuckie a good Christmas. so, yeah, what I said about continuity, I revoke that. We are only 3 and a half minutes in. 
     Chuckie and Tommy come to the conclusion that the trees are the reason why Christmas is so bad... That if they spring for the good tree, then Christmas will be good. But, surprise surprise, when they go to buy the tree, Chuckie's dad chooses to buy some kindling as the tree. 
     They do establish him as cheap for not wanting to buy the dead tree at 15 bucks (dude, it is 15 bucks. If you are so cheap that 15 dollars is too much for a tree, go buy one of those tiny fake trees. You'll never have to buy another one, save a lot of money, and you still get to look like a cheapass.) and Chuckie walks home dejected. (Buy a better tree yourself Chuckie. You do work, you get paid, if you really want a good Christmas, do it yourself. You can't expect to get what you want by doing nothing!) After accidentally knocking over a plastic Santa, Chuckie spots a perfectly good tree being thrown out.

..........

Why does this pop up so often? Why does this cross cultural boundries? Why is it that I can point to this SAME PLOTPOINT in the anime series Chobits, which is about computers developing Actual Intelligence and the implications of that. If you see someone has thrown something out, LEAVE IT ALONE. It doesn't matter if it looks cool, or if it looks perfectly intact... The people who actually own it either aren't throwing it out, or there is a good reason as to why they trashed it! LEAVE. PEOPLE'S. TRASH. ALOOOOONE.

     So Chuckie steals some people's tree, and takes it as his own. You can guess the plot from here... Chuckie finds out the people weren't throwing it out, and suddenly regrets taking it. Meanwhile, his father actually springs for the good decorations, and doing exactly what Chuckie wanted in terms of making Christmas more... interesting I suppose.

     One thing I have to note, is that everyone is taking Christmas trees WAY too seriously. Sure it cost a lot, but all, ALL, Chuckie has to do, is go up to the family, Apologize for taking the tree, explain the misunderstanding, and work to pay them back. That same family can then go out and buy a new tree, or go buy a fake one like most consumers nowadays. It isn't the end of the world. but no, it HAS to be the tree he took. Moron...

     Meanwhile, Chuckie's sister and step-mother are stuck in Japan because of their plane bumping them (lawsuit, lawsuit, la-la-la-la-lawsuit!). Think the mother's subplot from Home Alone, and you get an idea of what's going down with them.

    Then, Chuckie gets the idea to buy the family a new tree. Close Chuckie, but I'm afraid the universe wants you to fully suffer for your transgression and stupidity. They buy a crappy tree because it is the only one left, and it cost Chuckie $50 (Really?! I mean come on... here: This tree is fake, but it cost the same amount of money, is 4 feet tall, comes with it's own built-in lights, and most important: is full of leaves, and can be reused over and over. Why is everyone an idiot...). Then, they drop the tree, and a drunk truck driver runs it over without a care in the world. Not even stopping to inquire about the tree, or pay them back for it. Sucks to be in a sitcom.

    We then cut back to the Java Lava (coffee shop run by Phil and Lil's parents.) where Dil is asking what rhymes with Dreidel. (Ladle. Fable. the dreidel came from a fable. bam, rhyme. don't lie and say nothing rhymes with dreidel.) Once Chuckie arrives though, the universe decides to torment him, with everyone talking about how evil the theif is, and Phil and Lil's mother go so far as to put security cameras in their mom-and-pop coffee shop... (This isn't Footloose, you aren't in some super religious small-town people... You are obsessing over a TREE! If you really think they're going to have a terrible Christmas without a tree, GO BUY ONE FOR THEM.) They even get into God smiting the theif... (something tells me that if God is complacent about actual thieves that steal things worth more than 60 bucks, he isn't going to smite a 13 year old.) 

    That night, Chuckie has nightmares akin to A Christmas Carol, only with just the Present... and then suddenly takes a left turn into exodus, with the tree turning into the burning bush, and god proclaiming that he is that he is. Ease up Chuckie, thou shalt not be smitten. Especially not since you are a Christian, since you celebrate Christmas, and the smiting was usually done by the god of the old testament... You know, the vengeful god that turned Lot's wife into salt when she looked back at Sodom and Gomorrah. The smiting God won't care about Christmas at all, and the non-smiting god that does care about Christmas won't be smiting thee. Basic religion people...

     We see Kimi and her mom have managed to get a flight to Hawaii, and are trying to get their luggage for their next flight. These two are the only sane people, so I can't really harp on them.

     The gang is then all at the Mall, chatting away about stuff. Tommy is telling Dil about how they have to finish their song before Christmas-

... I was going to go on a diatribe about how Christmas as a due date is incredibly stupid since it is Hanukkah they are writing for, but then I looked up when Hanukkah was in 2005, when this episode was released... and ironically Hanukkah started the same day as Christmas. So fine, it gets off there. 

     - and Chuckie is going nuts and yelling at a tree in the middle of the mall. WHY DOES EVERYTHING IN THIS SPECIAL MAKE ME LOSE MY CHERUB-LIKE DEMEANOR?!

    Chuckie finally comes clean to all of his friends about his misdeed, and now SUDDENLY they are forgiving of the TERRIBLE THIEF WHO STOLE THE ICON OF LOVING AND HUMAN UNDERSTANDING AND DESERVES TO BE SMITTEN. Goddamn I thought the Jimmy Neutron special was stupid and made me rage, this episode is giving me a headache!

     Then at the Christmas party, they receive the news that Kimi and her mom are in Mexico, and won't be home for Christmas... Why didn't we focus on this plot? This is the relatable, non-banal plot. It has the possibility for some heart and real comedy behind it. 
    But no, now Tommy gets the idea to steal Chuckie's tree, and return it. (You know, this hasn't be considered... Anyone consider checking to see if the family went out and got another tree already? We just sort of assume that they didn't.) Terrible idea of course, because the neighborhood is on the look out for tree thieves  and they were dumb enough to wear ski-masks... You aren't actually stealing it, you are returning it in the middle of the night, don't be morons.
     Surprisingly, they manage to return the tree without a problem, not even being caught. Though Chuckie's dad FINALLY points out the flaw in everyone's thinking: Why would someone steal a tree, when other things are MUCH more valuable? Then he discovers pine needles in Chuckie's hair, and Chuckie confesses to his crime.
    Then Kimi and her mom finally arrive (likely exhausted from traveling all night) and Kimi's mom brings a bonsai tree to use as the Christmas tree... I'm just wondering how it survived the trip.
    Then we get the Aesop about how Christmas is about family... a fine Aesop, but there are better ways to go about it.

    We then close out on a Christmas recital (I don't know about you, but after Christmas morning I really don't care to hear carols.) where the Pickles brothers (Tommy and Dil) show off their terrible Hanukkah song. In a Christian Church. 

Everyone is morons. It is best summarized as that. This might actually be as painful, if not more painful, than the Jimmy Neutron special. While at the very least this special tries to include other religions like Judaism, which is somewhat refreshing, the special still falls extremely flat.

So, how to improve it...

A Japanese Christmas

    Believe it or not, Japan celebrates Christmas too. However, it is actually pretty divorced from it's Christian and Pagan roots.  It has a lot of the staples; Santa Claus, gift giving... but also some minor differences from how America celebrates. I say that the special should have been about the gang being in Japan, celebrating their Christmas there, just being together and having fun. Is it really so hard to ask that a Christmas special just be happy and not include pain?

This has been Fixer Sue... 11 more days. I think I won't be returning to Nickelodeon specials; I think we've established that they are painful garbage.

Love Actually

     Have you ever thought about what you were like 5 years ago? 10 years? or twenty? When you think about your actions and decisions, doesn't it feel like you are looking into the mind of a crazy person? Well, that applies here, but a significantly smaller scale. It's 2 years, and it involves this movie, Love Actually.
     When my parents first put in the movie, I was inclined not to like it, simply because they insisted that I would. (The same kind of thing as if your parents said that you'd enjoy liver. Except no one likes liver, so the metaphor breaks down.) 2 years past that, and I bang my head against a wall for being a moron.
     This is a good movie, but there are a few problems...
     But, since this is a comedy as well as a story of romance, I can't summarize the movie without spoilers. So, I will jump directly into the repairs.


     First, Laura Linney. Remove her entirely. Her scenes are painful, and lead to a downer conclusion. That is mostly thanks to the plot, making her character insufferable, and making one care more for her poor love interest than her.


... And that's it, good night everyone!



... Alright, there is also Alan Rickman's storyline about an affair with his secretary. It isn't all that interesting until his wife is brought into the picture, as she is far more interesting. It does come to a better conclusion than Laura Linney's, and gives birth to one of the best scenes in comedy history (Rowan Atkinson is awesome), but the story-line really serves as a sort of downer. It is a plot-thread that isn't necessary compared to what the other story-lines bring, and it'd be better if Alan Rickman's character didn't go through with his plan, deciding that he does love his wife (it is obvious that he does, in his own way) and doesn't want to jeopardize that.

     I suppose one last thing for repair would be fleshing out Liam Neeson's character more. Most of it is in the backstory, and his character doesn't evolve much through the story, instead just supplying the connection to Sam, and allowing his character to advance.

     Beyond that, this is a good movie. Even if you don't like romance movies or comedies... watch it for the British accents.


This has been a really short Fixer Sue. Tomorrow, I think another surprise is in order.

Powerpuff Girls: 'Twas the Fight before Christmas

     Legend has it that one day the devil himself came up to Lauren Faust, a writer for the Powerpuff Girls. He offered her the ability to make touching and beautiful cartoons, if she would trade him her soul... However, Faust then showed the devil Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends... After the end of the pilot, the devil wept openly and loudly. He rescinded his offer, apologizing to Lauren for insultingly trying to make the deal, and slunk back to his hellish home, where he converted to Laurenism and turned hell into a beautiful sequel to Heaven.
    Of course the story is completely false, but Lauren is just that awesome. And she was one of the people who wrote Today's special: Powerpuff Girls: 'Twas the fight before Christmas.

I do love this special, thanks in no small part to the fact it doesn't feel like a kids cartoon. It, like other Faustian shows, feels like animation was just the chosen medium, rather than the required, and that they decided to take advantage of the medium while they were using it. (Unlike a lot of other shows... cough nickelodeon cough.)

But, enough fanboying, let's summarize the special:

     We begin with the Powerpuff Girls in their kindergarten class at Pokey Oaks, where they are celebrating Christmas. Buttercup is writing her letter to Santa. (It's the day before Christmas Eve, and the other characters point out how belated the letter is.) Then Princess, a bitchy 5 year old spoiled brat who wants to be a Powerpuff Girl because it is the only thing she cannot have, interrupts them, taunting them about how she has only one wish for Santa because her father buys everything she wants. (Something tells me that if she went to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, the squirrels would all swarm her LONG before she gets to the nut room, just sensing her as an abomination towards goodness.) However, because she is a regular villain, the Powerpuff Girls point out how she's naughty and will just get coal, and rattle-off all her crimes  from previous episodes. This stings Princess, as she hadn't considered herself naughty, (the path to evil is paved with good intentions... Or just narcissism.) and she goes home, asking all her servants if they think she's naughty. They all avoid the subject, knowing her to be naughty, and wanting so much to tell her yes.
     Princess then discovers the massive hoard of Coal that she's built up over the years (Sheesh, she's only 5. Sure she's a bitch, but I don't really think she did that much bad stuff when she was 1-2 years old, so that mountain of coal must just be from when she was 3-4 years old. I don't even know what trouble a 3 or 4 year old can get themselves into that would make them deserve THAT MUCH coal.) and decides to invade the North Pole and make sure her name is on the nice list.
    Meanwhile, the Powerpuff girls are Decorating for Christmas... On December 23rd. (WHY?! I mean sure Stores put up decorations way too early, but they have an economic reason for it! Why are you putting up your decorations so late?! Hell, why do all cartoons have their characters put up their decorations on the last day before Christmas?!) 
     We then return to Princess playing Spider-man at the North Pole. She reaches Santa's office, and discovers that she is the only kid in the world on the naughty list (apart from the permanently naughty plaque, but we'll get to that later). She then switches the labels for the lists, making her the only nice kid in the world.
      After Santa finishes his delivery to the Powerpuff Girls, Bubbles wakes up, believing she's heard Santa (given that they are basically superman divided by 3, it wouldn't be surprising for them to have super hearing). She then heads downstairs to see what he left. She finds no gifts under the tree (apparently Professor Plutonium doesn't put his gifts to the girls under the tree...) so she goes to check the stockings... and finds coal. Freaking out, Bubbles goes around to the entire city, looking to see if any kid got presents under their tree or if any stocking lacks coal. After figuring out that no one has gifts, she returns home and alerts Blossom and Buttercup, and explains the situation. They then head off to go tell Santa of the mistake... But are intercepted by Princess, who now has superpowers. The Powerpuff Girls then tell her that they are going to correct Santa's error, while Princess states that she's going to get there first, and turn Santa against them. Thus the race to the north pole begins.
     They fight all the way there, Princess using underhanded trickery to get 1 or two seconds ahead of the others, and the Powerpuff girls just using their powers to stop a super villain. After about 10 minutes, they arrive at the North Pole, and in a super powered cartoon cloud fight, (in the form of an atom) they destroy much of Santa's workshop.
     Santa then breaks up the fight, complaining about the smashing and crashing and how every kid in the world was naughty except for one child. It is only when he is introduced to the Powerpuff girls does he actually figure out that something is awry. Princess then taunts Santa about how the list says she's nice and that she deserves what she wants... Santa then puts her on the Permanent Naughty Plaque, and takes away her powers. 
     the Powerpuff girls exclaim about how they didn't know Santa could grant Superpowers, and he simply responds, "No one ever asked." (Woah woah woah... REALLY?! Dude! Santa, I want the ability to animate feature length films at 60 frames per second in less than an hour, I want the power to create portals for faster than light travel, and I want the ability to turn into a pony!)
     The Powerpuff girls then exclaim about how he needs to go and deliver everyone's presents, and Santa isn't worried, saying he's done rush jobs before... Until he realizes his sleigh was destroyed, along with most of his factory. The Powerpuff girls then go in his stead. (Considering they can go fast that they become light, it shouldn't be much trouble for them. Plus, they could just pull a Superman and turn the world backwards so they can go back in time if need be.)
     The Special ends with the Powerpuff girls opening their Christmas presents (which Santa delivered for them. Magic, don't ask questions.) and everyone lives merrily ever after.

    There is nothing in need of repair here. Sure, it isn't perfect, and there are one or two scenes that seem to drag on too long, but it is pretty much golden.

     If there was one thing I would change, it would be the time frame. All of this takes place on the two days before Christmas, and the decorating takes place in that same time period. Sure the Powerpuff girls can do it super fast, but that same scene should take place earlier in the month, since it makes little sense to put up the decorations in one day then have to take them down less than a week later. There is also the getting out of school thing... Most public schools have a thing called "Winter Break" where students get out of class for 1-2 weeks. (For College it is longer, but then again the classes are also longer.) It is very rare for school to butt right up against the weekend right before Christmas, though I suppose this wasn't always the case, considering this is somewhat recurring in stories involving Christmas eve/day... But still, it is rather odd today.

This has been Fixer Sue. Tomorrow... I think I'll leave tomorrow a complete surprise.





Oh, and one last thing before I go:

Long before Lauren made My Little Pony: Friendship is magic, I suspect she was the one who wrote and drew this. Mythology-gag-ho!

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

     It is times like this that I wish I could sneakily embed a song that plays once someone opens the page... Then I'd start playing "Yatta" by the Green Leaves throughout this entire post. Why? because it drowns out the damned songs in this special.
     Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer... Who thought that a song about a grandma being killed by a passing vehicle made for good child entertainment? Seriously, WHO?! Oh, and not only that, they thought the rest of the Christmas Album of that guy who wrote the GGRObaR (I am using acronym because that name is too long to repeat every time) was good enough to use as the soundtrack for the special, including a song about killer fruitcake and how Grandpa is going to sue Santa... That last one is a Samba. What. The. Hell.

Summary

    The special begins with Grandma being run over by a reindeer... Show's over! thanks for coming!

... No, it is foreshadowing of what is to come... We instead begin at the Spankenhiemer general store... I am now calling them the Q's, because Spankenhiemer is too long, and doesn't match their ethnicity in the slightest. Grandma Q is reading to children when Jake Q comes and has her stop Cousin Mel from shooing a customer out. (Yes, Cousin Mel from the song who was playing cards. I don't know about you, but I always thought Cousin Mel was a guy, like Mel Brooks.) Cousin Mel is a rich-bitch, and the antagonist. (Why? I don't know. There are other people that could be antagonists, rather than a gold-digger.)

     After Austin Buxx, CEO of a monopoly in this post apocalyptic wasteland where only New Citytownvill matters, (Sounds like a joke, but the town is actually called Cityvill, no one seems to care about any town besides Cityvill, and the US monopoly and anti-trust laws no longer seem to apply to the "Cityvill Own-All corporation")  offers to purchase the General store so that he can put a mechanical sleigh-machine in it's place (why does it have to be there? why can't it be anywhere else? and why do you need an area the size of a general store to house it?). However, Grandma Q refuses, as she actually likes having a job and running a mom-and-pop store in the middle of the city. Cousin Mel however, plans to force Grandma to sell so she can take the money.

     Before Mel can put her plans into action though, we are forced to listen to a country song about killer fruitcake from Grandma. Bleh. Then Cousin Mel tricks some poison into some fruitcake batter... (Apparently people in this world like fruitcake and will actually purchase it. As food. I can't explain why.) Turns out the Poison made the fruitcake into reindeer Nip, and when Grandma is out taking the food back to the store, Santa hits her with his reindeer as they go after the reindeer nip.

     Jake Q sees this, and tells his family what happened, and tries to go out to help her... They refuse, thinking he is nuts. (rightfully so.) Then Grandpa says he saw it too... and for some reason he is so drunk that he doesn't realize he should run outside to help HIS WIFE. Then Jake says again that they should go out and help her, and they refuse again. Then Jake says they should call the police, and they call the police.

....

I... I'm just going to go watch Olive the Other Reindeer again, I need to clear my mind of this idiocy...

Anyway... after the police come and pretty much do nothing of any help, and cousin Mel steals a note from Santa explaining what happened, the Q family tries all they can to find Grandma. They try for a year and fail. Come December, Mel finally gets around to asking if Mr. Moneybags will buy the store, and discovers she needs to trick Grandpa into giving her the rights to the store. Mel then has Grandpa take her to her favorite restaurant, and he decides to have musical number about how Grandma is dead and hanging out with Elvis...

Sorry, needed Fluttershy to clear my head... WHY WAS THERE A SONG THERE?!

     Grandpa then hands over the store, and Mel goes to sell the store. Jake tries to stop her, and finds out he has until the end of the week to stop it by finding Grandma. So, he does the logical thing: ASK THE GUY WHO HIT HER WHERE SHE IS. YOU KNOW HE EXISTS BECAUSE HE HIT HER. WHY DIDN'T YOU START WITH HIM?!

     Shock of all shocks, Santa has Grandma, who isn't a vegetable from having her head crushed by a sleigh going at least 60 MPH, and instead just has Amnesia. Oh joy-bunnies.

     Jake is then brought to the north pole to meet Santa and get his Grandma. He retrieves her, and they go off to stop the deal.

     Despite it being December, it is a day so hot that the reindeer can feel the hot ground through their hooves. So, while Santa and Jake are going to stop the deal, Mel's lawyer I.M.Slime (who on earth has the last name slime? who would change their last name to slime? WHY?!) lets the reindeer loose to distract the elf who came along,  and kidnaps Grandma, while Mel has Santa arrested for the disappearance of Grandma.

     Then Miracle on 34th street happens- no wait, they just take one guy's word on it that he is the real Santa, and they put Santa on trial for running over Grandma. (While he admitted he ran over her, there is almost no way to commit him beyond a reasonable doubt. What if the guy is crazy, heard the story about Grandma, and thought he did it?) Now Jake has to find Grandma again to prove Santa innocent. He finds her at Cousin Mel's cabin, and restores her memory with fruitcake. (REAL SUBTLE FORESHADOWING.) Wait, there was something in-between those two points... Oh... Oh damn... It is the Disney Acid sequence "Grandpa's gonna sue the pants off'a Santa"... BACK TO THE PONIES.

     Then they go to the court house, acquit Santa, and Mel confesses to her Crimes... The end, the rest doesn't matter and I don't care...

    This special is as painful as the song. Very, very painful...

Fixing

     How to fix this mess...

     First, make Cousin Mel a background character. Not antagonist.

     Second, remove all but the title song. 

     Third, reduce the length of the special to about 3 minutes. 

     Fourth, none of the characters need names anymore.

     Finally, the antagonist is Santa, because he runs Grandma over. He is never caught.

     Congrats, the special is fixed, and is instead a music video. Boom, less suck.

Okay, I need something less terrible. Maybe... Maybe something by Faust...