Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer... Who thought that a song about a grandma being killed by a passing vehicle made for good child entertainment? Seriously, WHO?! Oh, and not only that, they thought the rest of the Christmas Album of that guy who wrote the GGRObaR (I am using acronym because that name is too long to repeat every time) was good enough to use as the soundtrack for the special, including a song about killer fruitcake and how Grandpa is going to sue Santa... That last one is a Samba. What. The. Hell.
Summary
The special begins with Grandma being run over by a reindeer... Show's over! thanks for coming!
... No, it is foreshadowing of what is to come... We instead begin at the Spankenhiemer general store... I am now calling them the Q's, because Spankenhiemer is too long, and doesn't match their ethnicity in the slightest. Grandma Q is reading to children when Jake Q comes and has her stop Cousin Mel from shooing a customer out. (Yes, Cousin Mel from the song who was playing cards. I don't know about you, but I always thought Cousin Mel was a guy, like Mel Brooks.) Cousin Mel is a rich-bitch, and the antagonist. (Why? I don't know. There are other people that could be antagonists, rather than a gold-digger.)
After Austin Buxx, CEO of a monopoly in this post apocalyptic wasteland where only New Citytownvill matters, (Sounds like a joke, but the town is actually called Cityvill, no one seems to care about any town besides Cityvill, and the US monopoly and anti-trust laws no longer seem to apply to the "Cityvill Own-All corporation") offers to purchase the General store so that he can put a mechanical sleigh-machine in it's place (why does it have to be there? why can't it be anywhere else? and why do you need an area the size of a general store to house it?). However, Grandma Q refuses, as she actually likes having a job and running a mom-and-pop store in the middle of the city. Cousin Mel however, plans to force Grandma to sell so she can take the money.
Before Mel can put her plans into action though, we are forced to listen to a country song about killer fruitcake from Grandma. Bleh. Then Cousin Mel tricks some poison into some fruitcake batter... (Apparently people in this world like fruitcake and will actually purchase it. As food. I can't explain why.) Turns out the Poison made the fruitcake into reindeer Nip, and when Grandma is out taking the food back to the store, Santa hits her with his reindeer as they go after the reindeer nip.
Jake Q sees this, and tells his family what happened, and tries to go out to help her... They refuse, thinking he is nuts. (rightfully so.) Then Grandpa says he saw it too... and for some reason he is so drunk that he doesn't realize he should run outside to help HIS WIFE. Then Jake says again that they should go out and help her, and they refuse again. Then Jake says they should call the police, and they call the police.
....
I... I'm just going to go watch Olive the Other Reindeer again, I need to clear my mind of this idiocy...
Anyway... after the police come and pretty much do nothing of any help, and cousin Mel steals a note from Santa explaining what happened, the Q family tries all they can to find Grandma. They try for a year and fail. Come December, Mel finally gets around to asking if Mr. Moneybags will buy the store, and discovers she needs to trick Grandpa into giving her the rights to the store. Mel then has Grandpa take her to her favorite restaurant, and he decides to have musical number about how Grandma is dead and hanging out with Elvis...
Sorry, needed Fluttershy to clear my head... WHY WAS THERE A SONG THERE?!
Grandpa then hands over the store, and Mel goes to sell the store. Jake tries to stop her, and finds out he has until the end of the week to stop it by finding Grandma. So, he does the logical thing: ASK THE GUY WHO HIT HER WHERE SHE IS. YOU KNOW HE EXISTS BECAUSE HE HIT HER. WHY DIDN'T YOU START WITH HIM?!
Shock of all shocks, Santa has Grandma, who isn't a vegetable from having her head crushed by a sleigh going at least 60 MPH, and instead just has Amnesia. Oh joy-bunnies.
Jake is then brought to the north pole to meet Santa and get his Grandma. He retrieves her, and they go off to stop the deal.
Despite it being December, it is a day so hot that the reindeer can feel the hot ground through their hooves. So, while Santa and Jake are going to stop the deal, Mel's lawyer I.M.Slime (who on earth has the last name slime? who would change their last name to slime? WHY?!) lets the reindeer loose to distract the elf who came along, and kidnaps Grandma, while Mel has Santa arrested for the disappearance of Grandma.
Then Miracle on 34th street happens- no wait, they just take one guy's word on it that he is the real Santa, and they put Santa on trial for running over Grandma. (While he admitted he ran over her, there is almost no way to commit him beyond a reasonable doubt. What if the guy is crazy, heard the story about Grandma, and thought he did it?) Now Jake has to find Grandma again to prove Santa innocent. He finds her at Cousin Mel's cabin, and restores her memory with fruitcake. (REAL SUBTLE FORESHADOWING.) Wait, there was something in-between those two points... Oh... Oh damn... It is the Disney Acid sequence "Grandpa's gonna sue the pants off'a Santa"... BACK TO THE PONIES.
Then they go to the court house, acquit Santa, and Mel confesses to her Crimes... The end, the rest doesn't matter and I don't care...
This special is as painful as the song. Very, very painful...
Fixing
How to fix this mess...
First, make Cousin Mel a background character. Not antagonist.
Second, remove all but the title song.
Third, reduce the length of the special to about 3 minutes.
Fourth, none of the characters need names anymore.
Finally, the antagonist is Santa, because he runs Grandma over. He is never caught.
Congrats, the special is fixed, and is instead a music video. Boom, less suck.
Okay, I need something less terrible. Maybe... Maybe something by Faust...
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