Sponge Bob Christmas Special

...
Spongebob Squarepants.
Just the name... the name has become a thing of hatred... To explain, let me go over a quick history of this... annoying character.

     Spongebob was created in 1999 after Nickelodeon's Rocko's Modern Life ended. It was about an every-man Sponge who was square, lived under the sea, and was eccentric. He has some friends like Sandy Cheeks who is a squirrel (and pretty much the only consistently sane character), Squidward who is a downer and probably an audience surrogate at this point, and a pink one we do not speak of. It lasted about 6 years, winning Emmys and kids choice awards, and was canceled in 2005, where they released what was assumed to be the final "lost" episode.
     But, then it was uncancelled, because Nickelodeon prefers to milk shows rather than let them die, much like all the other shows on the Nicktoons Christmas DVD released in 2003...
     Even before his cancellation, SpongeBob was a moron, and more than a little annoying. As time went on, he just got worse and worse... He became "Flanderized" (named after Flanders from Simpsons) which means his character was flattened to the point where the background is more interesting than him. All his friends experienced this as well, becoming dumber and crueler. (Then again, all American TV seems to be doing that. People somehow think being an asshole is funny.)

     I watched Spongebob as a kid. Hell, I knew every single episode! But, what does it say about a show when I say that I preferred Mystic Knights (a power rangers rip-off by the same company who made power rangers) to it? How about when I only had 4 episodes of Mystic Knights on VHS at the time DVDs were big? And no other access to the show beyond those 4 episodes?
     Yeah, I really don't like Spongebob. But, for the sake of figuring out why the hell we like Christmas specials, I am going to put aside my hatred for Spongebob, and analyze...

(Though seriously, don't watch SpongeBob. Go watch My Little Pony Friendship is Magic. At least it doesn't look down on kids. Hell, even the first generation of My Little Pony is at least better than watching this idiot!)

     The special begins when SpongeBob-
     No wait, the special begins with Patchy, the insane man-child fan of Spongebob who dresses like a very drunk Captain Barbossa from Pirates of the Caribbean.  He's the outer story, the man telling the story, and is an invention of the later SpongeBob seasons, most notably the "lost" episode. The best thing I can say about him is that he gave the double entendre, "There is nothing better than a Bikini-bottom Christmas!" (As long as it is the women wearing them, then yes. However I personally prefer a One Piece Christmas.)

     When the special finally gets underway, SpongeBob is going to sandy's to fight her with karate when he sees her activate her Christmas tree lights. This being foreign to him, he rushes in thinking there is a massive fire. Sandy then explains Christmas to the moron, but seems to neglect telling SpongeBob that Santa only comes when one is asleep, and that forcing the whole town to stay up late and singing Santa's praises doesn't work... But I'm getting ahead of myself. We learn that Sandy is either a young teenager or a Christian to be celebrating Christmas around people that have never heard of Christmas before (and therefore would not sell Christmas decorations for her to set up), and SpongeBob goes off to tell the town about how they bring trees inside and put lights outside their houses for Jesus, and how a fat man breaks and enters houses through non-existent chimneys and flies through the use of extremely heavy snow deer. (An image just popped into my head of Santa's sleigh being pulled by snow leopards, and his sleigh being a boat instead. Testosterone-Poisoning-HO!)
     Squidward claims that no one will bring him a gift simply because he sends them a letter (obviously he's never gone for scholarships before), and SpongeBob requests that Santa bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom. (I should just start writing a blog made up of double entendres to be made out of the name Bikini Bottom...)
     SpongeBob then invents a machine that shoots bottles up to the surface so Santa may receive the letters (Why people send the letters during December instead of during the year, I do not know. They work year-round, yet we send our orders in last-minute. Guy's gotta be hatin' December...). Patrick is a moron so his letter doesn't matter, and Mr Krabs gives the most reasonable Present request ever: a pony.
Then there is a long Montage of setting up for Christmas, and people asking for really weird presents that one cannot make, and then it goes to commercial.
     Once it gets back, Spongebob sends the last of the letters, and then freaks out because Squidward hasn't joined the Church of the Later Day Saints yet, and rushes to help him write a letter. Squidward declines, and forces Spongebob outside. Then the entire town of 20 people start singing how Santa is coming; until the morning, where upon discovering that Santa hasn't come, they all leave, calling SpongeBob a liar (He changed to the Westboro Baptist Church, so being a moron and a liar comes with the territory). Squidward then comes and rubs Spongebob's face in it, with the image of a Donkey super imposed over him.
Subtle.
     SpongeBob then gives Squidward the gift he was planning on giving him, which turns out to be a clarinet SpongeBob made at the last minute. Squidward feels like an ass for what he's done, and tries to make it up to the Sponge that torments him year-round. So he dresses up like Santa, and gives away everything he owns, and then the stress causes him to see Santa Claus in front of a green screen.
     The special ends with Patchy being assaulted by his puppet parrot, and thankfully the special ends...
   

... Why the hell did I put myself through that? I have zero respect for Spongebob, and yet I watched his special...
*sigh* alright, since I've already spent time doing this, let's begin repairing...

     First, the plot is way overdone; character doesn't believe in Santa, another does, the one who doesn't believe ends up playing Santa to make the other happy, and Santa comes in at the end to make everything happy. Disney did it way better in the original Mickey's Once-Upon a Christmas. Goofy and Max work more for this plot than SpongeBob and Squidward. Plus the animation is 100% better.
    Second, the special feels churned out, like no thought was really put into it. I never expected any thought to be put into it, but still. They basically just took Christmas themes and slapped some Spongebob skins over it.

     So, how to improve it... First, toss out the idea of it being the first Christmas. Make it so that everyone knows about and celebrates Christmas. Even Squidwards celebrates, but he doesn't decorate much. Instead of having a bland story about Santa, instead have it be where SpongeBob has run into money trouble, and is unable to pay his monthly payment for his home. Then have SpongeBob go around asking for help in paying for his home, but for one reason or another, people can't lend him money (make him not mention he needs to pay for his house). Then, someone figures out why SpongeBob was asking for money, and goes off to tell the others. The special ends with everyone coming and giving some money to SpongeBob so that he may spend Christmas at his home. (Think the ending scene for It's a Wonderful Life.)
     Why this story? Well, first because it has a little heart in it, even if that heart is stolen from something much greater than it. Second, it's to breathe some humanity into the characters, and some soberness into SpongeBob, which would help make it special compared to other SpongeBob episodes.
     However, though SpongeBob is still running, I do not wish for them to make another Christmas Special. I'd prefer it simply stop being made, so that we can begin repairing our children damaged by the poor quality of TV today.


Next however, is a special I have far more respect for.


Edit Long before posting: They have made another spongebob Christmas special. This time in the same veil as the Rankin Bass specials. I'm not touching it, and shall forever treat it as a pariah.